M*A*S*H* S01E11 “Germ Warfare” Transcript
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the_mash_transcriptsM*A*S*H* S01E11 “Germ Warfare” Transcript
Original Air Date: Dec 10, 1972
Episode Summary: When a North Korean POW, Pai, ends up at the 4077th, Hawkeye is unwilling to let him be transferred until he has more time to heal. Colonel Blake agrees to let them move Pai into the Swamp after Frank complains about a lack of beds available in Post-Op, but is unwilling to part with a pint of AB negative blood, which Pai needs. This dilemma is solved once the gang discovers that Frank is also AB neg, and they nick a pint from him in his sleep. Then Pai unexpectedly takes a downturn, showing signs of hepatitis. Concerned that Frank might have been the source (and eager for the possibility to ship him home), the gang manufactures an opportunity to take a urine sample for testing via overdosing Frank on beer and having him pee into a bucket. Then, it’s simply a matter of keeping Frank away from both Margaret and patients for long enough to get the results of their tests back.
Cast:
Alan Alda - Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" PIERCE
Wayne Rogers - Captain "Trapper" John MCINTYRE
McLean Stevenson - Lt Colonel Henry BLAKE
Loretta Swit - Major Margaret J "Hot Lips" HOULIHAN
Larry Linville - Major Frank BURNS
Gary Burghoff - Corporal Walter "Radar" O'REILLY
Timothy Brown - Capt. Oliver Harmon 'Spearchucker' JONES
Patrick Adiarte - HO-JON
Karen Philipp - Lt. DISH
Robert Gooden - Pvt. Lorenzo BOONE
Byron Chung - PAI
Formatting is based off of the transcripts found on Chakoteya.net. For consistency, all characters are referred to using surnames, if known.
Special thank you to @rusblk for providing transcription and translation of Korean language dialogue found in this episode! <3
~ Transcript ~
[MASH 4077th Compound]
(People are going about their days. The song 'Happy Days are Here Again', sung in Japanese, is playing over the PA, only to be cut off by-)
PA Announcer: Attention, all MASH personnel. Tonight's War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been canceled due to unusually heavy indifference.
[Post-Op]
(Burns is holding a patient's wrist.)
BURNS: Mm-hmm. (to Houlihan) Another day of bed rest.
(Houlihan is at the end of the bed and makes a note on the patient's clipboard. They head down the line to the next patient and look at the clipboard.)
BURNS: Oh, yes. He's coming along splendidly. (leans in to Houlihan) I did this one myself.
HOULIHAN: Quality shows, Frank.
BURNS: I like to think so.
(Burns moves down the line. Houlihan moves onto other things. McIntyre is at this patient's bedside, working on him with forceps. Burns takes the clipboard from Dish who was writing on it.)
MCINTYRE: (to the patient) All right. Try not to move. You've bought enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop.
BURNS: Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?
MCINTYRE: (sighs) Frank, I'm sorry about that. But you know how it is. War is heck.
BURNS: (tapping at the clipboard) What do you got against writing intelligibly?
MCINTYRE: If I could have done that, I'd have become a lawyer.
BURNS: (to Dish) Another day of bed rest. Continue I.V.s.
(Burns hands the clipboard off to Dish and then continues down the line. Pierce is feeling the next patient's forehead.)
BURNS: How are you this morning, Pierce?
PIERCE: Not too good but I'll feel better once I desert.
(Burns looks at the clipboard, then at the patient, then at the clipboard again.)
BURNS: This man's North Korean.
PIERCE: Right, first time.
BURNS: Well, you'd better tell the M.P.s to have him transferred to the P.O.W. section.
(Pierce stops to give Burns his full attention.)
PIERCE: Time, Frank. Time. I just got this kid out of shock. He's got multiple lacerations. (goes back to examining the patient) You stick him in the clink, he's liable to kick off.
BURNS: Well, he doesn't look that bad to me. Well, whatever he needs, he can get it at the next stop. I'm sending him out.
(Burns starts to walk away with the clipboard. Pierce hurries up to follow him and cuts off Burns' exit.)
PIERCE: Hold it, Doctor. What this guy needs is some plasma and some rest. He doesn't need a ticket for being on the wrong side.
BURNS: We've got limited bed space. You know that.
PIERCE: Why doesn't somebody tell them that up at the front? They keep shooting each other like we've got beds for everybody.
BURNS: Get him out today.
(Burns starts to leave again.)
PIERCE: I don't think so.
(Burns turns to Pierce at the curtain partitioning off the room.)
BURNS: Look, don't make me get unpleasant.
PIERCE: I can't improve on nature, Frank.
BURNS: He goes.
PIERCE: He stays.
[Commander's Office]
BLAKE: I'm sorry, but this time he happens to be right. Look, I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster but I mean this time I gotta back Frank up.
(Blake is sitting at his desk. Pierce stands in front of it, and McIntyre stands off to the side. McIntyre tries to discreetly open a drawer on Blake's desk and then starts looking through a set of keys from his pocket when it doesn't open.)
PIERCE: I want one day for that patient. One day.
(McIntyre puts the keys back in his pocket and rubs the back of his head.)
BLAKE: You want. You know, Pierce, you got a way of making every man in this outfit feel as if he's working for you.
MCINTYRE: Henry, open your middle drawer.
(Blake immediately obeys. McIntyre takes out a can of beer, and Blake shuts the drawer. McIntyre heads for a glass cabinet full of surgical instruments. Pierce leans in on the desk toward Blake.)
PIERCE: Look, this is not just another beef against Frank Burns, you know. We can't turn that kid away.
BLAKE: Well, I mean, you're not asking much, are you? I mean, you only want me to give him one unit of AB negative.
(McIntyre takes out a surgical instrument and uses it to open the can.)
MCINTYRE: One lousy pint of blood. Henry, I mean, who will ever miss it?
BLAKE: We're talking about AB negative! Look, if I hand out AB neg to somebody from the other side and then one of our kids needs it, well, uh- General Hammond will personally give me a tail-ectomy without a local.
(O'Reilly waltzes in with papers while Blake is speaking and stands by his shoulder.)
O'REILLY: Yes, sir?
BLAKE: Radar! Damn it, Radar! How many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?
O'REILLY: Well, I don't like to be late, sir.
BLAKE: Late? How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?
O'REILLY: Ours is not to question why, sir.
(O'Reilly picks up a pen of Blake's desk.)
BLAKE: What, why? What? What-
O'REILLY: You wanted these transfer orders, sir?
(O'Reilly puts the pen in Blake's hand.)
BLAKE: No, I want the transfer orders.
O'REILLY: Yes, sir.
BLAKE: Those ones that you've got there in your hand. Those are the ones. (mumbles to himself)
(Blake takes the papers and starts signing them.)
MCINTYRE: Wait a minute, Henry. What orders are those?
PIERCE: You're not transferring the Korean?
BLAKE: I've got no choice. Now, honest. I mean we've only got so many beds, and this kid's got one waiting someplace else. That'll be all, Rad-
(Blake finishes signing the papers, and O'Reilly takes them. He's out the door before Blake can dismiss him.)
PIERCE: Give me twenty-four hours before you ship him out.
BLAKE: No.
MCINTYRE: One day.
BLAKE: (scoffs) As opposed to twenty-four hours.
PIERCE: Henry, you're turning into a regular-army clown before our very eyes.
BLAKE: (sighs) Yeah. All right. Take all the time you want.
PIERCE: You mean it?
BLAKE: Just get him out of the post-op.
MCINTYRE: All right. Where do we put him?
[The Swamp]
(Pierce, Jones, and Ho-Jon are getting the North Korean patient situated in a cot.)
BLAKE [voice-over]: Anywhere. I mean, but I don't want any more static from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve!
PIERCE [voice-over]: Y'know, I couldn't agree more.
BLAKE [voice-over]: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd, I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.
PIERCE [voice-over]: No sweat, Henry. Everything's gonna be okay.
PIERCE: Ask him if he's comfortable.
HO-JON [in Korean]: 어떠십니까, 편안하십니까? (translation: How does it feel; are you comfortable?)
PAI [in Korean]: 좋습니다 (translation: Good.)
(McIntyre joins the group.)
PIERCE: Look, ask him his name. We just can't treat him like a wounded egg roll.
(Ho-Jon crouches by the side of the bed to speak to the patient.)
HO-JON [in Korean]: 당신의 이름은 무엇입니까? (translation: What is your name?)
PAI [in Korean]: 알아서 뭐합니까. (translation: Why does it matter?)
HO-JON: (forcefully) 그들은 당신을 두려워합니다, 바보! (translation: They are afraid of you, you fool!)
PIERCE: (to the rest of the group) I wish we had subtitles for this.
PAI: 내 이름은 백기원입니다. (translation: My name is Baek Ki Won.)
HO-JON: He's called Pai.
PIERCE: (patting Pai) Welcome to the end of the war, Pai.
(O'Reilly enters with a folder.)
O'REILLY: Hawkeye? Uh, here's the personal records you wanted.
(Pierce takes the folder and open it with McIntyre and Jones looking over his shoulder.)
O'REILLY: (pointing) This, this is the entire MASH personnel here and their blood type.
PIERCE: Oh, terrific. Take two splints out of petty cash.
(O'Reilly chuckles. Pierce pages through the folder.)
MCINTYRE: Surprising how many of us have blood, isn't it?
JONES: Well, it's not so hard if you stay far enough behind the lines.
PIERCE: But try to find someone with AB neg.
(O'Reilly hears something and looks to the door.)
O'REILLY: Psst!
(Burns enters, and immediately notices their new bunkmate.)
BURNS: Isn't that the P.O.W.?
(O'Reilly takes a few steps away from the group with the folder, pretending to idly page through it.)
PIERCE: That's right. He's in my C-O-T.
BURNS: I ordered him shipped out. What's he doing here?
PIERCE: Easy, Frank. Henry okayed it. He's not taking up anybody's space but mine. Why don't you buzz off, Frank? Go review your hypocritical oath.
(Burns isn't happy but heads for his cot, taking out his bible for a read. O'Reilly takes out the folder again, and Pierce starts looking through it as McIntyre keeps an eye on Burns. Pierce sees something and shows McIntyre. They smile and look at Burns.)
[The Swamp - night]
(Burns is asleep. Pierce is resting in a chair.)
PIERCE: Trap?
MCINTYRE: Hmm?
PIERCE: What do you think?
(McIntyre sits up out of bed and lifts a boot. He drops it with a thud, quickly laying back down and pretending to sleep. Burns remains undisturbed.)
MCINTYRE: Hey. (gestures to Pierce)
(Pierce and McIntyre head for Burns' bedside and start the process of tying a tourniquet and placing a needle.)
PIERCE: (Bela Lugosi impression) Good work, Igor. Very good. In the morning, he will be one of my brides.
BURNS: (whimpers)
MCINTYRE: (similarly accented) Shh. Not so loud, my count.
BURNS: (mumbling) Oh, Margaret- (mumbling)
PIERCE: I think we struck dream. (into Burns' ear) Oh, Frank. You're so strong. You're so big and strong.
BURNS: (sighs and moves)
MCINTYRE: We don't want to get him too excited. We might start something we can't finish.
PIERCE: You got enough?
MCINTYRE: Almost. I want to put a head on it.
PIERCE: This guy can sleep through anything. But then, he gets a lot of practice while he's awake. How are you doing?
MCINTYRE: Full. One pint even.
PIERCE: Should we check his oil while we're at it?
(McIntyre removes the needle.)
MCINTYRE: You get him cleaned up. I'll go get Pai ready.
(McIntyre takes the bottle of blood and heads across the room. Pierce lifts Burns' arm for a few seconds and then sets it on the bed.)
PIERCE: Good night, darling. You're the greatest.
(Pierce gives Burns a peck on the cheek. Burns sighs and lolls his head toward him. Pierce makes a face and moves away.)
[Mess Tent]
(O'Reilly has just loaded up a tray full of pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, and mashed potatoes when Pierce walks in.
O'Reilly checks who's nearby before he leans in to speak.)
O'REILLY: Did you get it?
PIERCE: A full pint.
O'REILLY: (chuckling) Great. Di- Is he all right?
PIERCE: Yeah, he's fine. They may have to put starch in his underwear to sit up, but he's okay.
(O'Reilly laughs.)
PIERCE: I see you ordered the hunt breakfast.
O'REILLY: "The hunt breakfast"? What is that?
PIERCE: Forget it.
(Pierce walks away.)
O'REILLY: Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite?
(Pierce pours himself a cup of coffee and sits at a table occupied by Dish. He gazes at her, resting his cheek on a hand.)
DISH: That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.
PIERCE: I just wanted to thank you for last night.
DISH: You weren't with me last night.
PIERCE: I was speaking for my fantasies.
DISH: You never quit, do you?
PIERCE: Well, in the absence of any real success with you in the amour department you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.
(Suddenly, the audience can see through Pierce-o-vision, and Dish is naked and softlighted with her hair down.)
DISH: You're having one right now, aren't you?
PIERCE: Yeah.
DISH: Is this a new one, or are you undressing me with your eyes again?
PIERCE: Well, if I did it with my hands, I'd get killed, right?
DISH: Uh-huh.
PIERCE: Not a bad way to go, really.
(McIntyre enters in a hurry and joins Pierce on his bench.)
MCINTYRE: (hushed) What do you say? You got a minute?
PIERCE: Uh, actually, I'm trying to make some time with this lieutenant person.
DISH: He's got a minute.
MCINTYRE: It's about Pai.
(Pierce pauses at that. McIntyre gets up from the table, and Pierce follows.)
PIERCE: I'll see you later.
DISH: I'm sure you will. Whether I'm there or not.
(Pierce and McIntyre speak off to the side.)
PIERCE: What's wrong?
MCINTYRE: You name it. Severe abdominal pains, nausea, darkened specimen, can't keep anything in his stomach.
PIERCE: Transfusion reaction.
MCINTYRE: Mm-hmm.
PIERCE: Last night's trip to Transylvania.
MCINTYRE: The same symptoms as hepatitis.
PIERCE: But it can't be from Frank's blood. I mean, not that fast.
MCINTYRE: Might be a new variant.
PIERCE: (shrugging) Stranger things have happened.
MCINTYRE: If Frank did have it, (grins) it'd be a lovely way to get him out of our hair.
PIERCE: (returning the grin) What about out of the outfit?
(Pierce watches as, elsewhere in the room, Burns finishes his tray, puts on his hat, and leaves.)
PIERCE: There he goes—Typhoid Mary.
MCINTYRE: Loaded with jaundice juice.
PIERCE: (quietly) Let's go.
(Pierce and McIntyre hurry to follow him out.)
[MASH 4077th Compound - ext Mess Tent]
PIERCE: Hey, Frank.
MCINTYRE: Frank!
PIERCE: Frank, hold it up.
(Pierce and McIntyre run to catch up with Burns who pauses.)
PIERCE: Hey, how do you feel, pal?
BURNS: Feel? Me?
PIERCE: Yeah.
BURNS: What's the gag?
(Burns looks between the pair, disbelieving.)
MCINTYRE: It's no gag. We're interested in your health.
BURNS: Oh, come on.
(Burns starts to walk away and is followed.)
PIERCE: Frank, listen.
(He grabs Burns' arm to stop him.)
PIERCE: You, uh- Are you eating all right? I mean, do you have any signs of fatigue or anything?
BURNS: None. Why are you- Well, my sleep was off a bit last night. I had this weird dream.
MCINTYRE: Yeah, what was it?
BURNS: That I was a soda with a big straw stickin' in me.
(Pierce feels Burns' neck lymph nodes. McIntyre follows suit, grabbing a wrist to check his pulse.)
PIERCE: You know something? You could be coming down with something. Guy works as hard as you. (to McIntyre) Feel that. Feel that.
(Pierce turns Burns' head toward McIntyre, and McIntyre feels the lymph nodes while still keeping a hold of his wrist.)
PIERCE: Huh? Huh?
MCINTYRE: Ooh, wow.
(Pierce takes back over feeling the lymph nodes.)
BURNS: You guys are starting something.
PIERCE: Frank, don't be paranoid.
BURNS: I'm only paranoid because everybody's against me.
(Pierce releases Burns' neck to look at the whites of his eyes.)
MCINTYRE: Feverish, too, Doctor. You know? High pulse rate.
PIERCE: Yeah, a little disoriented, you know that? Classic signs.
BURNS: Oh, cut it out.
(Burns brushes them off and starts to walk away again. Pierce and McIntyre follow.)
PIERCE: Hey, Frank, listen. Why don't you give us a blood sample?
(He stops Burns with a hand on his arm.)
PIERCE: The lab down in Seoul can do a complete run on you and have the results back here in two hours.
BURNS: I'm fine! I'm completely fine!
(Burns starts gesturing emphatically, and Pierce takes the opportunity to start feeling the lymph nodes near his armpits.)
BURNS: The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood.
(Burns shrugs them off and walks away. This time, Pierce and McIntyre stay and watch him go.)
PIERCE: "Ghouls." That's a nice thing to call us vampires.
MCINTYRE: You know, we are gonna have to check him out. I mean, for his own good.
PIERCE: (frowns) I don't think we can do another midnight caper.
MCINTYRE: Well, we got a little left over from last night's siphon. Might be enough.
PIERCE: I think we're gonna have to get something else from Frank to back that up, don't you?
(They look to each other.)
MCINTYRE: Definitely.
PIERCE: (smirking) Frank, old buddy, let's hope you're not too housebroken.
(They head off.)
[The Swamp]
(McIntyre opens three cans of beer and sets them on a crate standing on its side. Pierce is giving medicine and a glass of water to the bedbound Pai. Jones is standing watch by the door.)
PIERCE: Chossupnita, okay?
PAI: Okay.
JONES: Frank Burns at six o'clock.
(Jones hurries to sit by the crate. Everyone tries to act casual as Burns enters.)
JONES: Oh, what do you say, Frank?
(Burns ignores him and sits down to take his boots off.)
MCINTYRE: Got a minute? (clears throat)
BURNS: (pointing at McIntyre as he continues untying his boot) I'm not giving you a blood sample. I'm probably the fittest man in this outfit. And don't ask me again how I feel, because you have no real concern for my welfare at all.
(Burns takes off a boot.)
PIERCE: Take it easy, Frank. There's a vein standing out on your head you could tow a car with.
(Burns dips his hat lower on his forehead.)
MCINTYRE: We just wanted your help, that's all.
PIERCE: Yeah.
BURNS: (a beat) You wanted my help?
JONES: Well, there's something wrong with the beer, Frank, and we can't figure out what it is.
(Burns takes off his sock and starts picking at his foot.)
BURNS: Well, you know all I know about beer is that I- I can't hold it.
PIERCE: I told you he'd be too hard-nosed to help.
MCINTYRE: Yeah, I thought for once he'd be a regular guy. (sighs)
BURNS: Well, let's see.
(Burns stands and approaches the beers.)
MCINTYRE: Okay, try this. (clears throat)
(McIntyre hands Burns a can. Burns takes a small sip.)
BURNS: Tastes all right to me.
PIERCE: Well, that's not enough to tell.
(Burns takes another, deeper, sip.)
BURNS: It's fine.
MCINTYRE: Okay, try this one.
(McIntyre hands Burns another can, and Burns sets down the first. He takes a drink.)
BURNS: Aren't they the same?
PIERCE: Close your eyes.
BURNS: No monkey business.
PIERCE: (pouting) Come on.
(Burns looks suspicious but closes his eyes.)
PIERCE: (pushing on the can in Burns' hand) Okay, now try this one. Now, remember what that tastes like...
BURNS: (nodding) Mmm.
(Pierce switches the beers.)
PIERCE: Try this one.
(Burns drinks.)
PIERCE: Now, which one was stronger, the first one or the second?
(Burns opens his eyes.)
BURNS: I'm not really sure.
PIERCE: Okay, let's try the first one again.
(Pierce switches the cans. Burns closes his eyes and drinks.)
PIERCE: Alright, now try the other one.
(Rinse and repeat: Pierce switches the cans. Burns drinks. Jones and McIntyre look to each other and grin.)
PIERCE: Well, what do you think?
BURNS: I'll be right back.
(Burns hurries out the door, and Pierce and McIntyre follow.)
[MASH 4077th Compound]
(They catch up to Burns, standing on either side of him as he awkwardly hobbles across the compound wearing only one boot.)
PIERCE: Which beer do you think's flatter?
BURNS: Uh, oh, I- I- I don't know. Just leave me alone, can't you?
MCINTYRE: (incredulous) You don't think the first was different from the second?
BURNS: No.
PIERCE: What? No?
BURNS: Yes. W- whatever!
MCINTYRE: Wha-
(Burns stops and looks between them.)
BURNS: Why are you two following me?
PIERCE: Oh, no problem. It's on our way.
BURNS: What's on your way?
MCINTYRE: Wherever you're going. That's the great kind of guys we are.
(Pierce nods, and both he and McIntyre grin. Burns runs off to the latrine, only to find O'Reilly is nailing an 'Out of Order' sign to the door.)
O'REILLY: Oh, morning, sir.
BURNS: (frantically) What are y- What are you doing? Get this thing out of my way!
O'REILLY: I'm sorry, sir. This is closed.
BURNS: Closed? How can it be closed?!
O'REILLY: We're redecorating.
BURNS: What kind of nonsense is this?
O'REILLY: Oh, we're just trying to brighten up our lives, sir. We had many complaints-
(He hangs the hammer on the sign.)
O’REILLY: -that the latrines lacked any sort of aesthetic quality whatsoever, and it's essential that we show the Koreans democratic plumbing in action.
BURNS: Does the colonel know about this?
O'REILLY: Well, of course he does, sir. He signed the papers himself.
(O'Reilly holds up a clipboard with papers on it.)
BURNS: What are we supposed to do until the grand reopening?
O'REILLY: Well, if you'll just step this way, sir, we have temporary officers' arrangement right over here.
(O'Reilly leads Burns to a small tent-like structure made of canvas draped over poles.)
BURNS: (gesturing) This is it?
O'REILLY: Well, there's more to it, sir.
(O'Reilly hands Burns a bucket. Burns looks between him and the bucket, then takes it and hurries inside, closing the flap behind him. Elsewhere in the camp, a corpsman, Boone, drives a jeep up to a waiting Pierce and McIntyre.)
BOONE: Ready, sir?
PIERCE: Hang on. (sits in the passenger seat) You got the full scam?
BOONE: I give the stuff to HQ lab in Seoul, wait for the report, and get back here as fast as I can.
PIERCE: Or it's…?
BOONE: My butt, sir.
PIERCE: (nods) Alright, good boy.
(Burns finishes in the 'temporary' latrine and exits, passing by the jeep. He limps across the road, still with one foot bare. Pierce sets the used latrine bucket in the jeep.)
PIERCE: Drive carefully.
BOONE: Yeees, sir!
PIERCE: Okay, go.
(Boone drives away, looking back at the bucket as he does.)
MCINTYRE: How long you figure?
PIERCE: Two hours, tops.
MCINTYRE: Well, we can't let him near any patients till we get that report.
PIERCE: Right. No patients. (a beat) And no Hot Lips.
(Houlihan is looking at a clipboard and speaking to two nurses near the motor pool.)
PIERCE [voice-over, imitating a dry documentary narrator]: Observe the female of the species. Seemingly calm and detached, her tiny G.I. bosom is beating wildly, because she senses the presence of her frequent partner: the notorious red-necked nose-breather.
(Nearby in the compound, Burns berates a soldier for dressing out of regulation. Houlihan watches as he makes the corpsman fix his outfit, then makes eye contact with him. She dismisses the nurses.)
PIERCE [voice-over]: Uh-oh. The signaling process has begun.
(They continue to make eye contact. Burns mouths "Where?", and Houlihan motions with her head towards a tent. Burns mouths, "Okay".)
PIERCE [voice-over]: Eyeballs are exchanged and our khaki lovers do their famous "Where'll we meet today?" ritual.
(Before they can move, two nurses enter the tent, and Burns shakes his head 'no'. They look around the camp and spot another tent. Burns mouths, "Okay", and Houlihan smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.)
PIERCE [voice-over]: It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two U.S. Army majors. Yet the trained observer will see that what these two officers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass-rubbing.
(Pierce whistles a bird call. Burns and Houlihan both head towards the other tent and almost make it to the door together but Jones scoots his way between them to enter the tent.)
JONES: Excuse me.
(Burns and Houlihan both abruptly change course and walk away. Burns stands near a jeep. Houlihan makes her way to the supply tent, looks inside, and then turns around in the door way to smile at Burns. He nods, and she enters the building, closing the door behind her. Burns heads in that direction but is intercepted by O'Reilly who forces him to stop by running up from behind and standing in front of him.)
O'REILLY: Uh, excuse me, sir?
BURNS: Huh?
O'REILLY: Sir?
BURNS: Huh?
O'REILLY: Uh, the colonel says that he'd like to see you in his office immediately.
BURNS: Th- the colonel?
O'REILLY: Yes, sir. He's really, he's really very upset about something and wants you there right away.
BURNS: (frantic) Now?
(Burns looks between the Supply Tent and O'Reilly.)
O'REILLY: Yes, sir. He said "immediately." It was imperative that you got there right away.
BURNS: Oh, well, alright.
(Burns turns around and walks away.)
[Supply Tent]
(Houlihan has her back to the door, fluffing her hair which she has let down, and untucks her shirt. Pierce enters and turns around to shut the door when Houlihan hugs him from behind with her eyes closed.)
HOULIHAN: Ah! I've been on fire all day. Just the sight of you, and I want to do crazy things.
PIERCE: Okay, where will we start?
HOULIHAN: Oh, anypla-
(Houlihan realizes he isn't Burns and jumps back.)
HOULIHAN: What are you doing here?
PIERCE: I'm taking a survey for the Peeping Toms of America.
HOULIHAN: You foul-minded, dirty, sneaking, spying-
PIERCE: Not only that, but Dish wants you in Post-Op on the double.
HOULIHAN: Oh! You haven't heard the last of this!
(Houlihan storms out.)
PIERCE: I bet I have.
[Commander's Office]
(Blake is in a labcoat. Burns is standing by the desk.)
BLAKE: Eh, why, why would I send for you, Frank?
BURNS: I would assume that if you sent for me, you'd at least know why.
BLAKE: Well, I mean I would too. I mean, that certainly follows. Excuse me.
(Blake heads for the doors and starts to call out just as O'Reilly enters.)
O'REILLY: Yes, sir?
BLAKE: Rada- (looks annoyed and clears his throat) Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said I wanted to see him. Is that true?
O'REILLY: Yes, sir.
BLAKE: (leadingly) Well, did I want to see him?
O'REILLY: Well, you must have, sir. Here he is.
BLAKE: Radar-
O'REILLY [simultaneously]: Why would I want to pull a fast one, sir?
BLAKE [simultaneously]: Are you trying to pull a fast- Would you stop saying what I am thinking?
O'REILLY: One of us has to. Sir, would you mind initialing these initials?
(O'Reilly holds up a pen and papers, and Blake takes them.)
BLAKE: Why am I initialing these initials?
O'REILLLY: To authorize a stamp made with your initials, sir.
BLAKE: Oh.
(Blake has O'Reilly turn around and uses his back as a surface to sign the papers on.)
O'REILLY: It'll save you having to do so much initialing.
BLAKE: Ah-ha. Good thinking.
O’REILLY: Thank you.
BLAKE: Thank you.
(Blake finishes signing and gives the papers back to O'Reilly.)
O'REILLY: You're welcome.
BURNS: Colonel, am I dismissed?
BLAKE: Hmm?
(Blake pauses and looks at O'Reilly and then back at Burns.)
BLAKE: Oh. (clears throat) Yes, uh, I think we've, um just about covered it, Frank. (clears throat)
BURNS: (confused) Covered what?
BLAKE: Whatever.
(Burns looks incredulous but moves to leave. O'Reilly speaks as Burns passes him, making him pause.)
O'REILLY: Come see us anytime, sir.
[Post-Op]
(Dish is changing out a patient's arm bandage as Houlihan stands over her.)
DISH: But I didn't send for you, Major. Really.
HOULIHAN: Then why did Pierce say you needed my help?
DISH: (shrugs) Everything's under control.
HOULIHAN: That's when this place is the most dangerous.
(Houlihan leaves.)
[MASH 4077th Compound]
(Burns meets Houlihan at a parked jeep.)
BURNS: (sighs) Sorry I couldn't meet you. I was sent on a wild-goose chase.
HOULIHAN: (upset) So was I.
(Burns takes a step closer.)
BURNS: Margaret, what's happening?
HOULIHAN: They're jealous. All of them, jealous of our, our fine, almost spiritual relationship.
BURNS: Oh, you're so right.
(Burns inches closer. Both are breathing heavier.)
HOULIHAN: They want to keep us apart because we're symbols of- of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other without the tawdriness that fills their sordid little affairs.
BURNS: Yes, yes.
(Burns’ hands inch close, and they both turn to each other.)
HOULIHAN: (strained) Take one step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt.
BURNS: Oh, Margaret.
HOULIHAN: Where can we go?
BURNS: I'll check the vegetable bins.
(Burns turns but is stopped by Houlihan.)
HOULIHAN: Frank, it's 4:30. We have to go on hospital duty.
BURNS: Eight whole hours before I can touch you?
(They stare into each others' eyes.)
HOULIAHN: There's always the coffee break.
(Burns nods. Elsewhere in the compound, McIntyre is checking his watch with Pierce standing by.)
MCINTYRE: It's 4:30.
PIERCE: Yeah. (looks at the camp entrance) All right. Let's go.
(Pierce and McIntyre start walking.)
PIERCE: Boone should be back any minute.
MCINTYRE: Any minute would be just fine.
PIERCE: You got 'em?
MCINTYRE: Yeah, I got 'em.
(Burns and Houlihan walk by as both pairs approach the hospital. Pierce links arms with McIntyre.)
PIERCE: Hi, kids. Should we make it a double date?
(Burns opens the door for Houlihan, but both stop to look at Pierce and McIntyre.)
BURNS: Just watch your tongue.
MCINTYRE: Can you say that in front of her?
(Houlihan enters the hospital, and Burns follows. Pierce and McIntyre look to each other, give a sassy tilt of the head, and head in.)
[Scrub Room]
(Burns and Houlihan scrub up together. Houlihan rubs her sudsy hands over Burns' under the water, and they're both lost in their own little world.)
PIERCE: Hey, Frank.
(Burns and Houlihan jerk apart and quickly finish washing up. Pierce and McIntyre are standing near the sink, wearing scrubs.)
PIERCE: We got a pretty light load in there today. Why don't you let us handle it?
BURNS: Oh, I carry my own weight.
PIERCE: We can't let you operate, Frank. You look like an ad for death.
(McIntyre grabs an item set on top of a high shelf while no one is looking. Shortly after, Houlihan takes a towel off the shelf.)
BURNS: "You can't"? The gall.
MCINTYRE: It's your liver, actually.
(Burns and Houlihan give pause. McIntyre gestures to Pierce.)
MCINTYRE: I think you'd better tell him.
PIERCE: We think you might have hepatitis, Frank.
BURNS: What are you talking about?
MCINTYRE: We took a pint of blood out of you last night.
BURNS: You what?
HOULIHAN: You took his what?
PIERCE: We drilled for blood, we gave it to the P.O.W, and now he shows every sign of serum hepatitis.
BURNS: (to Houlihan) Uh, it takes weeks for such symptoms to appear.
(Burns takes the towel Houlihan is holding and starts drying off.)
BURNS: He probably came in here with it!
MCINTYRE: Yeah, maybe, but who knows.
PIERCE: Yeah.
(Burns pauses, looks at his hands, and sighs.)
BURNS: My gown, Major.
PIERCE: You're not going in there, Frank.
BURNS: Oh, yes, I am.
(Burns tosses the towel off to the side. Houlihan heads through a set of doors.)
MCINTYRE: No, Frank. You're a walking bug factory.
BURNS: I'll deal with you two leeches after my shift.
(Houlihan returns with a gown.)
PIERCE: Sergeant, do your duty.
BURNS: Major.
(Houlihan slides the gown over Burns’ arms and stands close in front of him to tie it behind his neck. McIntyre grabs Burns’ arms and handcuffs them together behind Houlihan's back, then fiddles with the gown.)
BURNS: Hey, what are you doing there? Hey, get those off me, you maniac!
PIERCE: Quiet, please. This is a hospital.
HOULIHAN: (struggling) Let me out of this!
MCINTYRE: (in Houlihan's ear) Enjoy it while you can.
PIERCE: Easy, Frank. We'll have your report back in no time.
HOULIHAN: (yelling) Somebody!
BURNS: Report? On my what?
MCINTYRE: (to Pierce) I don't think we should tell him about that.
PIERCE: No, I don't think we should tell him about that either.
BURNS: I'll have you broken.
(Blake storms out of surgery with a spot of blood on his scrubs.)
BLAKE: There had better be a good reason for all this racket!
BURNS: I want these two arrested! Immediately!
BLAKE: You always want these two arrested.
(McIntyre steps away to reveal that he's reversed the gown so that it's tied around Houlihan, trapping Burns' arms inside.)
HOULIHAN: (still struggling) Colonel, look at us!
(Blake pauses to look Houlihan and Burns over.)
BLAKE: Yeah, well, it looks a little silly. I mean, without the music. (to Pierce) Look, if you have a good explanation for this, I'll be a most attentive audience.
(O'Reilly enters in a hurry, holding a paper.)
O'REILLY: Sir?
BLAKE: Yes?
O'REILLY: Oh, not you, sir. (points to Pierce ) This sir here, sir. Here, sir.
(He hands Pierce the paper, as Blake automatically sets his hand out for it. Pierce gives the paper a glance.)
PIERCE: Unlock him. Lab report, Frank. All tests for hepatitis, negative.
MCINTYRE: (shrugs) You can't win 'em all.
(McIntyre begins unlocking the cuffs.)
BURNS: I told you so. That P.O.W. came in here with it. You stole a pint of my blood for nothing!
BLAKE: They what?!
BURNS: Maybe you'd know more about what was going on in this camp if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines!
BLAKE: (bemused) Redecorating latrines? (stammers incoherently) Well, how am I- Radar, am I redecor-
O'REILLY: Later, sir.
(Blake glares at O'Reilly. McIntyre finishes up freeing Burns and Houlihan.)
MCINTYRE: Okay, folks. Visiting hours are over.
PIERCE: Uh-oh. Bad news, Frank.
BURNS: What?
PIERCE: You've got anemia.
BURNS: Anemia?
PIERCE: Well, what do you expect if you give a pint of blood when you're not ready for it?
MCINTYRE: Yeah, you should've checked with us first.
PIERCE: (putting on the cheese) Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank.
[The Swamp]
(Pai is up, his head still bound in bandages. Burns has just scored a move that jumps several pieces as they play checkers.)
PAI: Very good.
(Pierce and McIntyre enter The Swamp, dressed in scrubs.)
MCINTYRE: What do you say, men?
PIERCE: Hiya, Frank. Hi, Pai.
PAI: Hi, guys.
(Burns takes the pieces he scored from the board and fiddles with them in his hands to avoid looking too much at Pierce and McIntyre.)
MCINTYRE: How come the enemy talks to us and you don't?
BURNS: (sighs and says awkwardly) You guys have a rough shift today?
PIERCE: Well, bad enough. But we didn't forget our star patient.
(Pierce pulls out a bouquet of daisies that he's been hiding behind his back. Burns take the bouquet and holds it front of his chest.)
MCINTYRE: No hard feelings, Frank?
BURNS: Well... (smiles to himself)
PIERCE: That's good, because there's a heart transplant we'd like to experiment with, and you're just the right type.
BURNS: You-!
(Burns wacks Pierce and McIntyre with the bouquet.)
[credits]
Original Air Date: Dec 10, 1972
Episode Summary: When a North Korean POW, Pai, ends up at the 4077th, Hawkeye is unwilling to let him be transferred until he has more time to heal. Colonel Blake agrees to let them move Pai into the Swamp after Frank complains about a lack of beds available in Post-Op, but is unwilling to part with a pint of AB negative blood, which Pai needs. This dilemma is solved once the gang discovers that Frank is also AB neg, and they nick a pint from him in his sleep. Then Pai unexpectedly takes a downturn, showing signs of hepatitis. Concerned that Frank might have been the source (and eager for the possibility to ship him home), the gang manufactures an opportunity to take a urine sample for testing via overdosing Frank on beer and having him pee into a bucket. Then, it’s simply a matter of keeping Frank away from both Margaret and patients for long enough to get the results of their tests back.
Cast:
Alan Alda - Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" PIERCE
Wayne Rogers - Captain "Trapper" John MCINTYRE
McLean Stevenson - Lt Colonel Henry BLAKE
Loretta Swit - Major Margaret J "Hot Lips" HOULIHAN
Larry Linville - Major Frank BURNS
Gary Burghoff - Corporal Walter "Radar" O'REILLY
Timothy Brown - Capt. Oliver Harmon 'Spearchucker' JONES
Patrick Adiarte - HO-JON
Karen Philipp - Lt. DISH
Robert Gooden - Pvt. Lorenzo BOONE
Byron Chung - PAI
Formatting is based off of the transcripts found on Chakoteya.net. For consistency, all characters are referred to using surnames, if known.
Special thank you to @rusblk for providing transcription and translation of Korean language dialogue found in this episode! <3
~ Transcript ~
[MASH 4077th Compound]
(People are going about their days. The song 'Happy Days are Here Again', sung in Japanese, is playing over the PA, only to be cut off by-)
PA Announcer: Attention, all MASH personnel. Tonight's War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been canceled due to unusually heavy indifference.
[Post-Op]
(Burns is holding a patient's wrist.)
BURNS: Mm-hmm. (to Houlihan) Another day of bed rest.
(Houlihan is at the end of the bed and makes a note on the patient's clipboard. They head down the line to the next patient and look at the clipboard.)
BURNS: Oh, yes. He's coming along splendidly. (leans in to Houlihan) I did this one myself.
HOULIHAN: Quality shows, Frank.
BURNS: I like to think so.
(Burns moves down the line. Houlihan moves onto other things. McIntyre is at this patient's bedside, working on him with forceps. Burns takes the clipboard from Dish who was writing on it.)
MCINTYRE: (to the patient) All right. Try not to move. You've bought enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop.
BURNS: Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?
MCINTYRE: (sighs) Frank, I'm sorry about that. But you know how it is. War is heck.
BURNS: (tapping at the clipboard) What do you got against writing intelligibly?
MCINTYRE: If I could have done that, I'd have become a lawyer.
BURNS: (to Dish) Another day of bed rest. Continue I.V.s.
(Burns hands the clipboard off to Dish and then continues down the line. Pierce is feeling the next patient's forehead.)
BURNS: How are you this morning, Pierce?
PIERCE: Not too good but I'll feel better once I desert.
(Burns looks at the clipboard, then at the patient, then at the clipboard again.)
BURNS: This man's North Korean.
PIERCE: Right, first time.
BURNS: Well, you'd better tell the M.P.s to have him transferred to the P.O.W. section.
(Pierce stops to give Burns his full attention.)
PIERCE: Time, Frank. Time. I just got this kid out of shock. He's got multiple lacerations. (goes back to examining the patient) You stick him in the clink, he's liable to kick off.
BURNS: Well, he doesn't look that bad to me. Well, whatever he needs, he can get it at the next stop. I'm sending him out.
(Burns starts to walk away with the clipboard. Pierce hurries up to follow him and cuts off Burns' exit.)
PIERCE: Hold it, Doctor. What this guy needs is some plasma and some rest. He doesn't need a ticket for being on the wrong side.
BURNS: We've got limited bed space. You know that.
PIERCE: Why doesn't somebody tell them that up at the front? They keep shooting each other like we've got beds for everybody.
BURNS: Get him out today.
(Burns starts to leave again.)
PIERCE: I don't think so.
(Burns turns to Pierce at the curtain partitioning off the room.)
BURNS: Look, don't make me get unpleasant.
PIERCE: I can't improve on nature, Frank.
BURNS: He goes.
PIERCE: He stays.
[Commander's Office]
BLAKE: I'm sorry, but this time he happens to be right. Look, I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster but I mean this time I gotta back Frank up.
(Blake is sitting at his desk. Pierce stands in front of it, and McIntyre stands off to the side. McIntyre tries to discreetly open a drawer on Blake's desk and then starts looking through a set of keys from his pocket when it doesn't open.)
PIERCE: I want one day for that patient. One day.
(McIntyre puts the keys back in his pocket and rubs the back of his head.)
BLAKE: You want. You know, Pierce, you got a way of making every man in this outfit feel as if he's working for you.
MCINTYRE: Henry, open your middle drawer.
(Blake immediately obeys. McIntyre takes out a can of beer, and Blake shuts the drawer. McIntyre heads for a glass cabinet full of surgical instruments. Pierce leans in on the desk toward Blake.)
PIERCE: Look, this is not just another beef against Frank Burns, you know. We can't turn that kid away.
BLAKE: Well, I mean, you're not asking much, are you? I mean, you only want me to give him one unit of AB negative.
(McIntyre takes out a surgical instrument and uses it to open the can.)
MCINTYRE: One lousy pint of blood. Henry, I mean, who will ever miss it?
BLAKE: We're talking about AB negative! Look, if I hand out AB neg to somebody from the other side and then one of our kids needs it, well, uh- General Hammond will personally give me a tail-ectomy without a local.
(O'Reilly waltzes in with papers while Blake is speaking and stands by his shoulder.)
O'REILLY: Yes, sir?
BLAKE: Radar! Damn it, Radar! How many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?
O'REILLY: Well, I don't like to be late, sir.
BLAKE: Late? How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?
O'REILLY: Ours is not to question why, sir.
(O'Reilly picks up a pen of Blake's desk.)
BLAKE: What, why? What? What-
O'REILLY: You wanted these transfer orders, sir?
(O'Reilly puts the pen in Blake's hand.)
BLAKE: No, I want the transfer orders.
O'REILLY: Yes, sir.
BLAKE: Those ones that you've got there in your hand. Those are the ones. (mumbles to himself)
(Blake takes the papers and starts signing them.)
MCINTYRE: Wait a minute, Henry. What orders are those?
PIERCE: You're not transferring the Korean?
BLAKE: I've got no choice. Now, honest. I mean we've only got so many beds, and this kid's got one waiting someplace else. That'll be all, Rad-
(Blake finishes signing the papers, and O'Reilly takes them. He's out the door before Blake can dismiss him.)
PIERCE: Give me twenty-four hours before you ship him out.
BLAKE: No.
MCINTYRE: One day.
BLAKE: (scoffs) As opposed to twenty-four hours.
PIERCE: Henry, you're turning into a regular-army clown before our very eyes.
BLAKE: (sighs) Yeah. All right. Take all the time you want.
PIERCE: You mean it?
BLAKE: Just get him out of the post-op.
MCINTYRE: All right. Where do we put him?
[The Swamp]
(Pierce, Jones, and Ho-Jon are getting the North Korean patient situated in a cot.)
BLAKE [voice-over]: Anywhere. I mean, but I don't want any more static from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve!
PIERCE [voice-over]: Y'know, I couldn't agree more.
BLAKE [voice-over]: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd, I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.
PIERCE [voice-over]: No sweat, Henry. Everything's gonna be okay.
PIERCE: Ask him if he's comfortable.
HO-JON [in Korean]: 어떠십니까, 편안하십니까? (translation: How does it feel; are you comfortable?)
PAI [in Korean]: 좋습니다 (translation: Good.)
(McIntyre joins the group.)
PIERCE: Look, ask him his name. We just can't treat him like a wounded egg roll.
(Ho-Jon crouches by the side of the bed to speak to the patient.)
HO-JON [in Korean]: 당신의 이름은 무엇입니까? (translation: What is your name?)
PAI [in Korean]: 알아서 뭐합니까. (translation: Why does it matter?)
HO-JON: (forcefully) 그들은 당신을 두려워합니다, 바보! (translation: They are afraid of you, you fool!)
PIERCE: (to the rest of the group) I wish we had subtitles for this.
PAI: 내 이름은 백기원입니다. (translation: My name is Baek Ki Won.)
HO-JON: He's called Pai.
PIERCE: (patting Pai) Welcome to the end of the war, Pai.
(O'Reilly enters with a folder.)
O'REILLY: Hawkeye? Uh, here's the personal records you wanted.
(Pierce takes the folder and open it with McIntyre and Jones looking over his shoulder.)
O'REILLY: (pointing) This, this is the entire MASH personnel here and their blood type.
PIERCE: Oh, terrific. Take two splints out of petty cash.
(O'Reilly chuckles. Pierce pages through the folder.)
MCINTYRE: Surprising how many of us have blood, isn't it?
JONES: Well, it's not so hard if you stay far enough behind the lines.
PIERCE: But try to find someone with AB neg.
(O'Reilly hears something and looks to the door.)
O'REILLY: Psst!
(Burns enters, and immediately notices their new bunkmate.)
BURNS: Isn't that the P.O.W.?
(O'Reilly takes a few steps away from the group with the folder, pretending to idly page through it.)
PIERCE: That's right. He's in my C-O-T.
BURNS: I ordered him shipped out. What's he doing here?
PIERCE: Easy, Frank. Henry okayed it. He's not taking up anybody's space but mine. Why don't you buzz off, Frank? Go review your hypocritical oath.
(Burns isn't happy but heads for his cot, taking out his bible for a read. O'Reilly takes out the folder again, and Pierce starts looking through it as McIntyre keeps an eye on Burns. Pierce sees something and shows McIntyre. They smile and look at Burns.)
[The Swamp - night]
(Burns is asleep. Pierce is resting in a chair.)
PIERCE: Trap?
MCINTYRE: Hmm?
PIERCE: What do you think?
(McIntyre sits up out of bed and lifts a boot. He drops it with a thud, quickly laying back down and pretending to sleep. Burns remains undisturbed.)
MCINTYRE: Hey. (gestures to Pierce)
(Pierce and McIntyre head for Burns' bedside and start the process of tying a tourniquet and placing a needle.)
PIERCE: (Bela Lugosi impression) Good work, Igor. Very good. In the morning, he will be one of my brides.
BURNS: (whimpers)
MCINTYRE: (similarly accented) Shh. Not so loud, my count.
BURNS: (mumbling) Oh, Margaret- (mumbling)
PIERCE: I think we struck dream. (into Burns' ear) Oh, Frank. You're so strong. You're so big and strong.
BURNS: (sighs and moves)
MCINTYRE: We don't want to get him too excited. We might start something we can't finish.
PIERCE: You got enough?
MCINTYRE: Almost. I want to put a head on it.
PIERCE: This guy can sleep through anything. But then, he gets a lot of practice while he's awake. How are you doing?
MCINTYRE: Full. One pint even.
PIERCE: Should we check his oil while we're at it?
(McIntyre removes the needle.)
MCINTYRE: You get him cleaned up. I'll go get Pai ready.
(McIntyre takes the bottle of blood and heads across the room. Pierce lifts Burns' arm for a few seconds and then sets it on the bed.)
PIERCE: Good night, darling. You're the greatest.
(Pierce gives Burns a peck on the cheek. Burns sighs and lolls his head toward him. Pierce makes a face and moves away.)
[Mess Tent]
(O'Reilly has just loaded up a tray full of pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, and mashed potatoes when Pierce walks in.
O'Reilly checks who's nearby before he leans in to speak.)
O'REILLY: Did you get it?
PIERCE: A full pint.
O'REILLY: (chuckling) Great. Di- Is he all right?
PIERCE: Yeah, he's fine. They may have to put starch in his underwear to sit up, but he's okay.
(O'Reilly laughs.)
PIERCE: I see you ordered the hunt breakfast.
O'REILLY: "The hunt breakfast"? What is that?
PIERCE: Forget it.
(Pierce walks away.)
O'REILLY: Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite?
(Pierce pours himself a cup of coffee and sits at a table occupied by Dish. He gazes at her, resting his cheek on a hand.)
DISH: That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.
PIERCE: I just wanted to thank you for last night.
DISH: You weren't with me last night.
PIERCE: I was speaking for my fantasies.
DISH: You never quit, do you?
PIERCE: Well, in the absence of any real success with you in the amour department you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.
(Suddenly, the audience can see through Pierce-o-vision, and Dish is naked and softlighted with her hair down.)
DISH: You're having one right now, aren't you?
PIERCE: Yeah.
DISH: Is this a new one, or are you undressing me with your eyes again?
PIERCE: Well, if I did it with my hands, I'd get killed, right?
DISH: Uh-huh.
PIERCE: Not a bad way to go, really.
(McIntyre enters in a hurry and joins Pierce on his bench.)
MCINTYRE: (hushed) What do you say? You got a minute?
PIERCE: Uh, actually, I'm trying to make some time with this lieutenant person.
DISH: He's got a minute.
MCINTYRE: It's about Pai.
(Pierce pauses at that. McIntyre gets up from the table, and Pierce follows.)
PIERCE: I'll see you later.
DISH: I'm sure you will. Whether I'm there or not.
(Pierce and McIntyre speak off to the side.)
PIERCE: What's wrong?
MCINTYRE: You name it. Severe abdominal pains, nausea, darkened specimen, can't keep anything in his stomach.
PIERCE: Transfusion reaction.
MCINTYRE: Mm-hmm.
PIERCE: Last night's trip to Transylvania.
MCINTYRE: The same symptoms as hepatitis.
PIERCE: But it can't be from Frank's blood. I mean, not that fast.
MCINTYRE: Might be a new variant.
PIERCE: (shrugging) Stranger things have happened.
MCINTYRE: If Frank did have it, (grins) it'd be a lovely way to get him out of our hair.
PIERCE: (returning the grin) What about out of the outfit?
(Pierce watches as, elsewhere in the room, Burns finishes his tray, puts on his hat, and leaves.)
PIERCE: There he goes—Typhoid Mary.
MCINTYRE: Loaded with jaundice juice.
PIERCE: (quietly) Let's go.
(Pierce and McIntyre hurry to follow him out.)
[MASH 4077th Compound - ext Mess Tent]
PIERCE: Hey, Frank.
MCINTYRE: Frank!
PIERCE: Frank, hold it up.
(Pierce and McIntyre run to catch up with Burns who pauses.)
PIERCE: Hey, how do you feel, pal?
BURNS: Feel? Me?
PIERCE: Yeah.
BURNS: What's the gag?
(Burns looks between the pair, disbelieving.)
MCINTYRE: It's no gag. We're interested in your health.
BURNS: Oh, come on.
(Burns starts to walk away and is followed.)
PIERCE: Frank, listen.
(He grabs Burns' arm to stop him.)
PIERCE: You, uh- Are you eating all right? I mean, do you have any signs of fatigue or anything?
BURNS: None. Why are you- Well, my sleep was off a bit last night. I had this weird dream.
MCINTYRE: Yeah, what was it?
BURNS: That I was a soda with a big straw stickin' in me.
(Pierce feels Burns' neck lymph nodes. McIntyre follows suit, grabbing a wrist to check his pulse.)
PIERCE: You know something? You could be coming down with something. Guy works as hard as you. (to McIntyre) Feel that. Feel that.
(Pierce turns Burns' head toward McIntyre, and McIntyre feels the lymph nodes while still keeping a hold of his wrist.)
PIERCE: Huh? Huh?
MCINTYRE: Ooh, wow.
(Pierce takes back over feeling the lymph nodes.)
BURNS: You guys are starting something.
PIERCE: Frank, don't be paranoid.
BURNS: I'm only paranoid because everybody's against me.
(Pierce releases Burns' neck to look at the whites of his eyes.)
MCINTYRE: Feverish, too, Doctor. You know? High pulse rate.
PIERCE: Yeah, a little disoriented, you know that? Classic signs.
BURNS: Oh, cut it out.
(Burns brushes them off and starts to walk away again. Pierce and McIntyre follow.)
PIERCE: Hey, Frank, listen. Why don't you give us a blood sample?
(He stops Burns with a hand on his arm.)
PIERCE: The lab down in Seoul can do a complete run on you and have the results back here in two hours.
BURNS: I'm fine! I'm completely fine!
(Burns starts gesturing emphatically, and Pierce takes the opportunity to start feeling the lymph nodes near his armpits.)
BURNS: The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood.
(Burns shrugs them off and walks away. This time, Pierce and McIntyre stay and watch him go.)
PIERCE: "Ghouls." That's a nice thing to call us vampires.
MCINTYRE: You know, we are gonna have to check him out. I mean, for his own good.
PIERCE: (frowns) I don't think we can do another midnight caper.
MCINTYRE: Well, we got a little left over from last night's siphon. Might be enough.
PIERCE: I think we're gonna have to get something else from Frank to back that up, don't you?
(They look to each other.)
MCINTYRE: Definitely.
PIERCE: (smirking) Frank, old buddy, let's hope you're not too housebroken.
(They head off.)
[The Swamp]
(McIntyre opens three cans of beer and sets them on a crate standing on its side. Pierce is giving medicine and a glass of water to the bedbound Pai. Jones is standing watch by the door.)
PIERCE: Chossupnita, okay?
PAI: Okay.
JONES: Frank Burns at six o'clock.
(Jones hurries to sit by the crate. Everyone tries to act casual as Burns enters.)
JONES: Oh, what do you say, Frank?
(Burns ignores him and sits down to take his boots off.)
MCINTYRE: Got a minute? (clears throat)
BURNS: (pointing at McIntyre as he continues untying his boot) I'm not giving you a blood sample. I'm probably the fittest man in this outfit. And don't ask me again how I feel, because you have no real concern for my welfare at all.
(Burns takes off a boot.)
PIERCE: Take it easy, Frank. There's a vein standing out on your head you could tow a car with.
(Burns dips his hat lower on his forehead.)
MCINTYRE: We just wanted your help, that's all.
PIERCE: Yeah.
BURNS: (a beat) You wanted my help?
JONES: Well, there's something wrong with the beer, Frank, and we can't figure out what it is.
(Burns takes off his sock and starts picking at his foot.)
BURNS: Well, you know all I know about beer is that I- I can't hold it.
PIERCE: I told you he'd be too hard-nosed to help.
MCINTYRE: Yeah, I thought for once he'd be a regular guy. (sighs)
BURNS: Well, let's see.
(Burns stands and approaches the beers.)
MCINTYRE: Okay, try this. (clears throat)
(McIntyre hands Burns a can. Burns takes a small sip.)
BURNS: Tastes all right to me.
PIERCE: Well, that's not enough to tell.
(Burns takes another, deeper, sip.)
BURNS: It's fine.
MCINTYRE: Okay, try this one.
(McIntyre hands Burns another can, and Burns sets down the first. He takes a drink.)
BURNS: Aren't they the same?
PIERCE: Close your eyes.
BURNS: No monkey business.
PIERCE: (pouting) Come on.
(Burns looks suspicious but closes his eyes.)
PIERCE: (pushing on the can in Burns' hand) Okay, now try this one. Now, remember what that tastes like...
BURNS: (nodding) Mmm.
(Pierce switches the beers.)
PIERCE: Try this one.
(Burns drinks.)
PIERCE: Now, which one was stronger, the first one or the second?
(Burns opens his eyes.)
BURNS: I'm not really sure.
PIERCE: Okay, let's try the first one again.
(Pierce switches the cans. Burns closes his eyes and drinks.)
PIERCE: Alright, now try the other one.
(Rinse and repeat: Pierce switches the cans. Burns drinks. Jones and McIntyre look to each other and grin.)
PIERCE: Well, what do you think?
BURNS: I'll be right back.
(Burns hurries out the door, and Pierce and McIntyre follow.)
[MASH 4077th Compound]
(They catch up to Burns, standing on either side of him as he awkwardly hobbles across the compound wearing only one boot.)
PIERCE: Which beer do you think's flatter?
BURNS: Uh, oh, I- I- I don't know. Just leave me alone, can't you?
MCINTYRE: (incredulous) You don't think the first was different from the second?
BURNS: No.
PIERCE: What? No?
BURNS: Yes. W- whatever!
MCINTYRE: Wha-
(Burns stops and looks between them.)
BURNS: Why are you two following me?
PIERCE: Oh, no problem. It's on our way.
BURNS: What's on your way?
MCINTYRE: Wherever you're going. That's the great kind of guys we are.
(Pierce nods, and both he and McIntyre grin. Burns runs off to the latrine, only to find O'Reilly is nailing an 'Out of Order' sign to the door.)
O'REILLY: Oh, morning, sir.
BURNS: (frantically) What are y- What are you doing? Get this thing out of my way!
O'REILLY: I'm sorry, sir. This is closed.
BURNS: Closed? How can it be closed?!
O'REILLY: We're redecorating.
BURNS: What kind of nonsense is this?
O'REILLY: Oh, we're just trying to brighten up our lives, sir. We had many complaints-
(He hangs the hammer on the sign.)
O’REILLY: -that the latrines lacked any sort of aesthetic quality whatsoever, and it's essential that we show the Koreans democratic plumbing in action.
BURNS: Does the colonel know about this?
O'REILLY: Well, of course he does, sir. He signed the papers himself.
(O'Reilly holds up a clipboard with papers on it.)
BURNS: What are we supposed to do until the grand reopening?
O'REILLY: Well, if you'll just step this way, sir, we have temporary officers' arrangement right over here.
(O'Reilly leads Burns to a small tent-like structure made of canvas draped over poles.)
BURNS: (gesturing) This is it?
O'REILLY: Well, there's more to it, sir.
(O'Reilly hands Burns a bucket. Burns looks between him and the bucket, then takes it and hurries inside, closing the flap behind him. Elsewhere in the camp, a corpsman, Boone, drives a jeep up to a waiting Pierce and McIntyre.)
BOONE: Ready, sir?
PIERCE: Hang on. (sits in the passenger seat) You got the full scam?
BOONE: I give the stuff to HQ lab in Seoul, wait for the report, and get back here as fast as I can.
PIERCE: Or it's…?
BOONE: My butt, sir.
PIERCE: (nods) Alright, good boy.
(Burns finishes in the 'temporary' latrine and exits, passing by the jeep. He limps across the road, still with one foot bare. Pierce sets the used latrine bucket in the jeep.)
PIERCE: Drive carefully.
BOONE: Yeees, sir!
PIERCE: Okay, go.
(Boone drives away, looking back at the bucket as he does.)
MCINTYRE: How long you figure?
PIERCE: Two hours, tops.
MCINTYRE: Well, we can't let him near any patients till we get that report.
PIERCE: Right. No patients. (a beat) And no Hot Lips.
(Houlihan is looking at a clipboard and speaking to two nurses near the motor pool.)
PIERCE [voice-over, imitating a dry documentary narrator]: Observe the female of the species. Seemingly calm and detached, her tiny G.I. bosom is beating wildly, because she senses the presence of her frequent partner: the notorious red-necked nose-breather.
(Nearby in the compound, Burns berates a soldier for dressing out of regulation. Houlihan watches as he makes the corpsman fix his outfit, then makes eye contact with him. She dismisses the nurses.)
PIERCE [voice-over]: Uh-oh. The signaling process has begun.
(They continue to make eye contact. Burns mouths "Where?", and Houlihan motions with her head towards a tent. Burns mouths, "Okay".)
PIERCE [voice-over]: Eyeballs are exchanged and our khaki lovers do their famous "Where'll we meet today?" ritual.
(Before they can move, two nurses enter the tent, and Burns shakes his head 'no'. They look around the camp and spot another tent. Burns mouths, "Okay", and Houlihan smiles, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.)
PIERCE [voice-over]: It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two U.S. Army majors. Yet the trained observer will see that what these two officers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass-rubbing.
(Pierce whistles a bird call. Burns and Houlihan both head towards the other tent and almost make it to the door together but Jones scoots his way between them to enter the tent.)
JONES: Excuse me.
(Burns and Houlihan both abruptly change course and walk away. Burns stands near a jeep. Houlihan makes her way to the supply tent, looks inside, and then turns around in the door way to smile at Burns. He nods, and she enters the building, closing the door behind her. Burns heads in that direction but is intercepted by O'Reilly who forces him to stop by running up from behind and standing in front of him.)
O'REILLY: Uh, excuse me, sir?
BURNS: Huh?
O'REILLY: Sir?
BURNS: Huh?
O'REILLY: Uh, the colonel says that he'd like to see you in his office immediately.
BURNS: Th- the colonel?
O'REILLY: Yes, sir. He's really, he's really very upset about something and wants you there right away.
BURNS: (frantic) Now?
(Burns looks between the Supply Tent and O'Reilly.)
O'REILLY: Yes, sir. He said "immediately." It was imperative that you got there right away.
BURNS: Oh, well, alright.
(Burns turns around and walks away.)
[Supply Tent]
(Houlihan has her back to the door, fluffing her hair which she has let down, and untucks her shirt. Pierce enters and turns around to shut the door when Houlihan hugs him from behind with her eyes closed.)
HOULIHAN: Ah! I've been on fire all day. Just the sight of you, and I want to do crazy things.
PIERCE: Okay, where will we start?
HOULIHAN: Oh, anypla-
(Houlihan realizes he isn't Burns and jumps back.)
HOULIHAN: What are you doing here?
PIERCE: I'm taking a survey for the Peeping Toms of America.
HOULIHAN: You foul-minded, dirty, sneaking, spying-
PIERCE: Not only that, but Dish wants you in Post-Op on the double.
HOULIHAN: Oh! You haven't heard the last of this!
(Houlihan storms out.)
PIERCE: I bet I have.
[Commander's Office]
(Blake is in a labcoat. Burns is standing by the desk.)
BLAKE: Eh, why, why would I send for you, Frank?
BURNS: I would assume that if you sent for me, you'd at least know why.
BLAKE: Well, I mean I would too. I mean, that certainly follows. Excuse me.
(Blake heads for the doors and starts to call out just as O'Reilly enters.)
O'REILLY: Yes, sir?
BLAKE: Rada- (looks annoyed and clears his throat) Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said I wanted to see him. Is that true?
O'REILLY: Yes, sir.
BLAKE: (leadingly) Well, did I want to see him?
O'REILLY: Well, you must have, sir. Here he is.
BLAKE: Radar-
O'REILLY [simultaneously]: Why would I want to pull a fast one, sir?
BLAKE [simultaneously]: Are you trying to pull a fast- Would you stop saying what I am thinking?
O'REILLY: One of us has to. Sir, would you mind initialing these initials?
(O'Reilly holds up a pen and papers, and Blake takes them.)
BLAKE: Why am I initialing these initials?
O'REILLLY: To authorize a stamp made with your initials, sir.
BLAKE: Oh.
(Blake has O'Reilly turn around and uses his back as a surface to sign the papers on.)
O'REILLY: It'll save you having to do so much initialing.
BLAKE: Ah-ha. Good thinking.
O’REILLY: Thank you.
BLAKE: Thank you.
(Blake finishes signing and gives the papers back to O'Reilly.)
O'REILLY: You're welcome.
BURNS: Colonel, am I dismissed?
BLAKE: Hmm?
(Blake pauses and looks at O'Reilly and then back at Burns.)
BLAKE: Oh. (clears throat) Yes, uh, I think we've, um just about covered it, Frank. (clears throat)
BURNS: (confused) Covered what?
BLAKE: Whatever.
(Burns looks incredulous but moves to leave. O'Reilly speaks as Burns passes him, making him pause.)
O'REILLY: Come see us anytime, sir.
[Post-Op]
(Dish is changing out a patient's arm bandage as Houlihan stands over her.)
DISH: But I didn't send for you, Major. Really.
HOULIHAN: Then why did Pierce say you needed my help?
DISH: (shrugs) Everything's under control.
HOULIHAN: That's when this place is the most dangerous.
(Houlihan leaves.)
[MASH 4077th Compound]
(Burns meets Houlihan at a parked jeep.)
BURNS: (sighs) Sorry I couldn't meet you. I was sent on a wild-goose chase.
HOULIHAN: (upset) So was I.
(Burns takes a step closer.)
BURNS: Margaret, what's happening?
HOULIHAN: They're jealous. All of them, jealous of our, our fine, almost spiritual relationship.
BURNS: Oh, you're so right.
(Burns inches closer. Both are breathing heavier.)
HOULIHAN: They want to keep us apart because we're symbols of- of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other without the tawdriness that fills their sordid little affairs.
BURNS: Yes, yes.
(Burns’ hands inch close, and they both turn to each other.)
HOULIHAN: (strained) Take one step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt.
BURNS: Oh, Margaret.
HOULIHAN: Where can we go?
BURNS: I'll check the vegetable bins.
(Burns turns but is stopped by Houlihan.)
HOULIHAN: Frank, it's 4:30. We have to go on hospital duty.
BURNS: Eight whole hours before I can touch you?
(They stare into each others' eyes.)
HOULIAHN: There's always the coffee break.
(Burns nods. Elsewhere in the compound, McIntyre is checking his watch with Pierce standing by.)
MCINTYRE: It's 4:30.
PIERCE: Yeah. (looks at the camp entrance) All right. Let's go.
(Pierce and McIntyre start walking.)
PIERCE: Boone should be back any minute.
MCINTYRE: Any minute would be just fine.
PIERCE: You got 'em?
MCINTYRE: Yeah, I got 'em.
(Burns and Houlihan walk by as both pairs approach the hospital. Pierce links arms with McIntyre.)
PIERCE: Hi, kids. Should we make it a double date?
(Burns opens the door for Houlihan, but both stop to look at Pierce and McIntyre.)
BURNS: Just watch your tongue.
MCINTYRE: Can you say that in front of her?
(Houlihan enters the hospital, and Burns follows. Pierce and McIntyre look to each other, give a sassy tilt of the head, and head in.)
[Scrub Room]
(Burns and Houlihan scrub up together. Houlihan rubs her sudsy hands over Burns' under the water, and they're both lost in their own little world.)
PIERCE: Hey, Frank.
(Burns and Houlihan jerk apart and quickly finish washing up. Pierce and McIntyre are standing near the sink, wearing scrubs.)
PIERCE: We got a pretty light load in there today. Why don't you let us handle it?
BURNS: Oh, I carry my own weight.
PIERCE: We can't let you operate, Frank. You look like an ad for death.
(McIntyre grabs an item set on top of a high shelf while no one is looking. Shortly after, Houlihan takes a towel off the shelf.)
BURNS: "You can't"? The gall.
MCINTYRE: It's your liver, actually.
(Burns and Houlihan give pause. McIntyre gestures to Pierce.)
MCINTYRE: I think you'd better tell him.
PIERCE: We think you might have hepatitis, Frank.
BURNS: What are you talking about?
MCINTYRE: We took a pint of blood out of you last night.
BURNS: You what?
HOULIHAN: You took his what?
PIERCE: We drilled for blood, we gave it to the P.O.W, and now he shows every sign of serum hepatitis.
BURNS: (to Houlihan) Uh, it takes weeks for such symptoms to appear.
(Burns takes the towel Houlihan is holding and starts drying off.)
BURNS: He probably came in here with it!
MCINTYRE: Yeah, maybe, but who knows.
PIERCE: Yeah.
(Burns pauses, looks at his hands, and sighs.)
BURNS: My gown, Major.
PIERCE: You're not going in there, Frank.
BURNS: Oh, yes, I am.
(Burns tosses the towel off to the side. Houlihan heads through a set of doors.)
MCINTYRE: No, Frank. You're a walking bug factory.
BURNS: I'll deal with you two leeches after my shift.
(Houlihan returns with a gown.)
PIERCE: Sergeant, do your duty.
BURNS: Major.
(Houlihan slides the gown over Burns’ arms and stands close in front of him to tie it behind his neck. McIntyre grabs Burns’ arms and handcuffs them together behind Houlihan's back, then fiddles with the gown.)
BURNS: Hey, what are you doing there? Hey, get those off me, you maniac!
PIERCE: Quiet, please. This is a hospital.
HOULIHAN: (struggling) Let me out of this!
MCINTYRE: (in Houlihan's ear) Enjoy it while you can.
PIERCE: Easy, Frank. We'll have your report back in no time.
HOULIHAN: (yelling) Somebody!
BURNS: Report? On my what?
MCINTYRE: (to Pierce) I don't think we should tell him about that.
PIERCE: No, I don't think we should tell him about that either.
BURNS: I'll have you broken.
(Blake storms out of surgery with a spot of blood on his scrubs.)
BLAKE: There had better be a good reason for all this racket!
BURNS: I want these two arrested! Immediately!
BLAKE: You always want these two arrested.
(McIntyre steps away to reveal that he's reversed the gown so that it's tied around Houlihan, trapping Burns' arms inside.)
HOULIHAN: (still struggling) Colonel, look at us!
(Blake pauses to look Houlihan and Burns over.)
BLAKE: Yeah, well, it looks a little silly. I mean, without the music. (to Pierce) Look, if you have a good explanation for this, I'll be a most attentive audience.
(O'Reilly enters in a hurry, holding a paper.)
O'REILLY: Sir?
BLAKE: Yes?
O'REILLY: Oh, not you, sir. (points to Pierce ) This sir here, sir. Here, sir.
(He hands Pierce the paper, as Blake automatically sets his hand out for it. Pierce gives the paper a glance.)
PIERCE: Unlock him. Lab report, Frank. All tests for hepatitis, negative.
MCINTYRE: (shrugs) You can't win 'em all.
(McIntyre begins unlocking the cuffs.)
BURNS: I told you so. That P.O.W. came in here with it. You stole a pint of my blood for nothing!
BLAKE: They what?!
BURNS: Maybe you'd know more about what was going on in this camp if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines!
BLAKE: (bemused) Redecorating latrines? (stammers incoherently) Well, how am I- Radar, am I redecor-
O'REILLY: Later, sir.
(Blake glares at O'Reilly. McIntyre finishes up freeing Burns and Houlihan.)
MCINTYRE: Okay, folks. Visiting hours are over.
PIERCE: Uh-oh. Bad news, Frank.
BURNS: What?
PIERCE: You've got anemia.
BURNS: Anemia?
PIERCE: Well, what do you expect if you give a pint of blood when you're not ready for it?
MCINTYRE: Yeah, you should've checked with us first.
PIERCE: (putting on the cheese) Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank.
[The Swamp]
(Pai is up, his head still bound in bandages. Burns has just scored a move that jumps several pieces as they play checkers.)
PAI: Very good.
(Pierce and McIntyre enter The Swamp, dressed in scrubs.)
MCINTYRE: What do you say, men?
PIERCE: Hiya, Frank. Hi, Pai.
PAI: Hi, guys.
(Burns takes the pieces he scored from the board and fiddles with them in his hands to avoid looking too much at Pierce and McIntyre.)
MCINTYRE: How come the enemy talks to us and you don't?
BURNS: (sighs and says awkwardly) You guys have a rough shift today?
PIERCE: Well, bad enough. But we didn't forget our star patient.
(Pierce pulls out a bouquet of daisies that he's been hiding behind his back. Burns take the bouquet and holds it front of his chest.)
MCINTYRE: No hard feelings, Frank?
BURNS: Well... (smiles to himself)
PIERCE: That's good, because there's a heart transplant we'd like to experiment with, and you're just the right type.
BURNS: You-!
(Burns wacks Pierce and McIntyre with the bouquet.)
[credits]
