M*A*S*H* S01E12 “Dear Dad” Transcript

[the_mash_transcripts]

M*A*S*H S01E12 "Dear Dad" Transcript

Original Air Date: Dec 17, 1972

Episode Summary: It’s Christmas time at the 4077^th, and there’s a chill in the air. Hawkeye writes to his father back home about some recent happenings: Mulcahy is decorating for the season; Radar is slowly mailing home a jeep piece by piece; Henry fumbles giving a lecture on “Marital Sex and The Family”; Trapper runs a vaccination clinic and helps a local deliver a calf; Margaret and Frank’s date night is ruined by Trapper and Hawkeye’s pranks; Hawkeye gifts Margaret a smooch; and Hawkeye’s plans to play Santa for the local children are changed when he has to suddenly head to a battlefield and provide medical aid.

Cast:
Alan Alda - Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' PIERCE
Wayne Rogers - Capt. 'Trapper John' MCINTYRE
McLean Stevenson - Lt. Col. Henry BLAKE
Loretta Swit - Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' HOULIHAN
Larry Linville - Maj. Frank BURNS
Gary Burghoff - Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'REILLY
Jamie Farr - Cpl. Maxwell Q. KLINGER
William Christopher - Father Francis MULCAHY
Buck Young - M.P.
Odessa Cleveland - Lt. Ginger BAYLISS
Bonnie Jones - Lt. Barbara BANNERMAN
Lizabeth Deen - BECKY
William Katt - P.F.C.

Formatting is based off of the transcripts found on Chakoteya.net. For consistency, all characters are referred to using surnames, if known.

Special thank you to @rusblk for providing transcription and translation of the Korean language dialogue found in this episode! <3

~ Transcript ~

[The Swamp]

(Pierce lays in his cot, reaching over to pour himself a drink from the still. He's bundled up in a coat and scarf and breaths on his hands to warm them before picking up a paper and pencil to start writing.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Dear Dad, a lull at last, after almost three straight days of meatball surgery. Seventy hours of sewing kids together. If this keeps up, I was thinking of asking the army for a raise. Either that, or putting on some lipstick and earrings and getting a discharge. If war was hell in Sherman's day, you can imagine what it is now.

[Operating Room]

(Pierce, McIntyre, Burns, and Bayliss are working on a single patient.)

MCINTYRE: Alright, retract that bowel so I can see something. Retractor.

BAYLISS: Retractor.

PIERCE: Go.

MCINTYRE: Ease up, Frank.

BURNS: Well, hurry up, will ya?

PIERCE: Clamp.

BAYLISS: Clamp.

[The Swamp]

(Pierce continues to write.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: The tension in the O.R. is always a foot thick, but we do our best to cut through.

[Operating Room]

(Back to the scene with McIntyre, Pierce, Burns, and Bayliss. Elsewhere in the room, Blake and Houlihan are working on a patient with Mulcahy standing by with a prayer book.)

BLAKE: Anybody hear how the game turned out?

MCINTYRE: Yeah, the Bears beat the Packers 21 to 10.

BURNS: I'm trying to concentrate.

MCINTYRE: Try the library. Long fingers.

BAYLISS: Long fingers.

BURNS: Can't we have some military discipline in here?

PIERCE: Good idea, Frank. Lieutenant, throw out your chest.

MCINTYRE: Why? It looks perfectly all right to me.

[The Swamp]

(Pierce is still writing.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: If jokes seem sacrilegious in an operating room.

[Operating Room]

PIERCE [voice-over]: I promise you, they're a necessary defense against what we get down here at this end of the draft board.

(Houlihan steps away from Blake's table to approach Pierce.)

HOULIHAN: Colonel Blake needs your help.

PIERCE: Frank, pull that back for me, will ya?

(Burns takes over for Pierce.)

BURNS: Okay, got it.

PIERCE: All right.

(Pierce follows Houlihan to Blake's table and switches out his gloves. Houlihan bends over to grab a fresh gown.)

PIERCE: You ever thought of leaving your behind to science?

(Houlihan quickly straightens up and snaps the gown.)

[The Swamp]

(Pierce writes.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Henry Blake's a good doctor and a pretty good Joe.

[Operating Room]

(Pierce assists Blake on his patient.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: As a commanding officer, well, it's a bit like being on a sinking liner, running to the bridge and finding out the captain is Daffy Duck. But more about old Henry later.

[The Swamp]

(Pierce pauses his writing to pull his warm clothes closer.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Christmas here in Korea, as with you in Vermont, is soon upon us.

[MASH 4077th Compound]

(An instrumental version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays from a loudspeaker as everyone hurries about the camp, not wanting to be out in the cold. Mulcahy is an exception, kneeling to set up a Nativity scene in front of the mess tent.)

PA Announcer: The glee club meets in the mess tent at oh-eight-hundred hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo, "I'm Confessin' That I Love You."

(Mulcahy smiles to himself, then turns to see O'Reilly and another man struggling to carry a tree into the mess tent. He quickly sets down the lamb statue he was holding and hurries over the help.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Still, there is some effort to celebrate the idea of peace on earth, even though there's shootin' in them thar hills.

(Mulcahy realizes they'll need to open the doors and hurries over to try to open them. O'Reilly and the other man prepare to back the tree into the tent, not realizing that Mulcahy doesn't have the doors open yet, and run it into both him and the doors.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: How far had Radar O'Reilly gotten in my last letter to you?

(O'Reilly has a saw and is about to start cutting a limb when Mulcahy attempts to help by grabbing another limb and moving it out of the way. O'Reilly loses his balance and rolls over the tree onto his back.)

[Camp Office]

(O'Reilly has a large cardboard box on the desk.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: I think, if I'm not mistaken, he had mailed the backseats by then. This week he's smuggling out the front seats.

(O’Reilly sets a jeep seat into the box and struggles to close the lid.)

[X-Ray Lab]

(Pierce is carrying another large cardboard box as McIntyre sets up a machine. The box is set down and a white screen is placed in front of it. Pierce and McIntyre stand behind a barrier.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: It took Trapper and me a while to figure out what he was up to until we did a fluoroscope of one of his packages and found out he was mailing a jeep home, piece by piece.

(McIntyre uses a corded control to turn the machine on, and the outline of a steering wheel and shift stick can be seen on the screen. Pierce and McIntyre look at each other, astonished.)

[Camp Office]

(We're back to the scene with O'Reilly packing up the seats. He's finished closing the box and is now trying to wrap it with string as Blake approaches.)

BLAKE: What's in the box?

O'REILLY: Uh, toys for the orphans, sir.

BLAKE: Oh. Let me give you a hand.

O'REILLY: Uh, would you, please, sir?

(Blake helps him get the string on and uses his finger as an anchor to keep it in place as O'Reilly ties it.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Radar's not the first guy to do this, of course. It's an old army bit. I wouldn't be surprised if one of George Washington's soldiers hadn't mailed home a horse one piece at a time. Radar can't wait until he gets his discharge and tells his mailman back in Iowa that he actually delivered a whole jeep for him.

(Blake struggles to lift the box. The string has come undone, and there's a single piece of tape on the top, failing to keep the flaps closed. O'Reilly piles loose string on top.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: The guy'll probably have a retroactive hernia.

O'REILLY: You got it?

[The Swamp]

(Pierce shrugs on a coat, holding his pencil in his mouth.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Come to the mess tent with me, Dad, and I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

(Pierce exits the Swamp.)

[MASH 4077th Compound]

(Pierce walks through the compound. It's windy outside as well as cold. An instrumental version of "Winter Wonderland" plays from the loudspeaker, only to be interrupted by-)

PA Announcer: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

(The song resumes. O'Reilly walks past carrying the windshield piece of a jeep.)

PIERCE: (with pencil between his teeth) Hiya, Radar.

O'REILLY: Hi.

[Mess Tent]

(The tree is now up, and Mulcahy is decorating it. There's traditional round ornaments, cottonball fluffs to imitate snow, and surgical instruments on it. Pierce enters and takes a look at the tree.)

PIERCE: (still with pencil) It's lookin' good, Red.

MULCAHY: Wait till it's finished.

(Pierce meanders over to the serving table. A brunette woman, Barbara Bannerman, is already there, filling a cup of coffee. Pierce takes the pencil out from between his teeth.)

PIERCE: Eight o'clock tonight, right?

BANNERMAN: Make it nine.

(Both speak without looking at the other. Pierce takes a doughnut. Bannerman does the same.)

PIERCE: No sweat.

BANNERMAN: I'll be ready.

(Bannerman leaves, coffee and doughnut in hand. Pierce starts to fill a cup of coffee for himself.)

PIERCE: That'll make two of us.

PIERCE [voice-over]: There are certain rules in this man's army that are carried over from the year one.

(Pierce looks off to the side and then heads to sit down. Blake appears and fills a cup of coffee for himself. McIntyre approaches shortly after, rubbing his hands. Once Blake moves away to go sit by Pierce, he moves in to the coffee.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Thanks to these regulations, all of us know precisely what to do in case we're ever attacked by the French or the Indians. One of the more ridiculous customs is the monthly lecture.

[Mess Tent - past]

(The mess tent is set up with rows of benches in front of two boards covered by a white sheet. There's a full crowd, and they clap and cheer as Blake enters to stand in front of the group. Pierce and McIntyre stand to applaud from where they are in the front.)

MCINTYRE: Hey, hey!

BLAKE: All right, uh, people. Let's settle down.

(The crowd quiets, and Pierce and McIntyre sit.)

BLAKE: Uh, this month's topic is, uh, (quietly muttered) marital sex and the family.

PIERCE: Louder, Henry.

BLAKE: Uh, and the family.

PIERCE: The first part.

BLAKE: Marital se- (clears throat) Sex.

MCINTYRE: Let's hear it for this month's topic!

(The room applauds. Houlihan and Burns, sitting behind Pierce and McIntyre, do not. They exchange glances instead.)

CROWD: Yea!

PIERCE: Whoo, whoo, whoo!

BLAKE: (waving the crowd to settle) Now, just hold it down, okay? It's not actually necessary that any of you officers be present. Only the enlisted personnel are required to attend.

PIERCE: (deadpan) Why should they know more than we do?

MCINTYRE: Yeah, I got a date tonight. I want to learn as much as I can.

PIERCE: Yeah.

(The crowd laughs. O'Reilly is in the front row and looks awkward.)

BLAKE: Let's just can the jokes. I'd like to get right down to the sex.

(More laughter. This time it's Pierce and McIntyre who give each other looks.)

BLAKE: I mean, uh, the talk about the, uh, what I'm supposed to talk about. Radar, would you uncover the charts?

(O'Reilly gets up to help Blake, just as he asks for him.)

O'REILLY: I'll uncover the charts, sir. Oh, your pointer, sir.

BLAKE: Thank you.

(The pointer is leaning against the charts, and O'Reilly hands it to Blake. He then pulls the sheet from the boards, revealing two figures labeled ‘A’ and ‘B’. They are identical outlines of human figures, except that Figure ‘B’ has the impression of long hair in its outline and is slightly smaller. There's whistles and giggles from the room.)

MCINTYRE: Ah, yes...

PIERCE: Nice artwork.

BLAKE: (to O'Reilly) Thank you.

O'REILLY: Good luck, sir.

BLAKE: All right.

(O'Reilly takes a seat, bringing the sheet with him and holding it on his lap.)

BLAKE: (reading from a booklet) Um the, uh- We start here we've got your, uh, your man and your woman.

MCINTYRE: Which is which?

PIERCE: The one with the big hips is the man.

MCINTYRE: Oh. (nods to himself)

BURNS: Can we have an end to these comments?

(Pierce turns around.)

BURNS: Some of us happen to be genuinely interested in this subject.

PIERCE: I've devoted my life to this subject. At least a good many of the nights.

(Pierce turns back around.)

HOULIHAN: Dirty mind.

(Pierce turns again.)

PIERCE: Well, you know what they say. Dirty mind, warm heart.

(He winks and then makes a kissy face. Houlihan is mildly flustered and looks to Burns. Pierce turns back to the lecture as Blake starts speaking again.)

BLAKE: Uh, now, uh, we, uh- (clears throat) Excuse me. Uh, the union, uh, of, uh, figure ‘A’, man-

(He slaps the pointer on figure ‘A’, hitting it right where the junk would be.)

BLAKE: and, uh, figure ‘B’, uh, the, uh, woman-

(Blake is about to slap this figure too but then hesitates and awkwardly motions to it. There's laughter in the crowd.)

BLAKE: is the most sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place. (smiles awkwardly)

MCINTYRE: Uh, sir?

BLAKE: Mm-hmm?

MCINTYRE: Um, what happens in the event that, um, figure ‘A’ is attracted to figure ‘B’ and wants to get married, but figure ‘A’ is already married to, say, figure ‘C’, and figure ‘B’ is engaged to figure ‘D’? But figure ‘A’ can't keep his hands off of figure ‘B’, because she's got such a great figure.

(Blake gives McIntyre incredulous looks while this question is asked. There's giggles from the crowd.)

BLAKE: Uh-huh. Well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.

PIERCE: That figures.

(Pierce and McIntyre nod to each other.)

BLAKE: Okay, moving right along now, uh, we come to the matter of family reproduction. How it really happens.

(O'Reilly watches the presentation intently, mouth agape.)

BLAKE: Uh, how it all really happens is, uh, really, uh, one of nature's really cute things, really. Uh, now, first of all, uh, it is necessary that these charts- uh, that these two married charts-

(Laughter in the crowd.)

BLAKE: Uh, it is necessary that they, uh, um, uh, that they, uh...

(Everyone is watching, and Blake gets increasingly nervous.)

O'REILLY: They what, sir?

BLAKE: That they, uh- (slaps the handbook closed) Dismissed.

(Blake quickly leaves. The crowd cheers. Pierce stands and follows Blake to the door.)

PIERCE: Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Hey! Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, ladies and gentlemen!

(Pierce opens the door and gestures outside of it.)

[Mess Tent - current]

(Pierce, McIntyre, and Blake are sitting with their empty coffee cups at a Mess Tent table. An instrumental of the song “The First Noel” is playing. Pierce puts his writing pad into his coat pocket and puts on his hat as he stands. He heads for the door, wrapping his scarf tighter. He passes a blonde woman, Becky, as she heads in.)

BECKY: Ten o'clock tonight?

(Becky stops to speak but continues looking forward, instead of at Pierce.)

PIERCE: Make it eleven.

BECKY: Right.

(Pierce steps out the door.)

[MASH 4077th Compound]

(McIntyre is bouncing in place, not wearing a hat, and claps his hands to someone off screen. “The First Noel” is still playing over the speaker. A football is thrown, and he catches it.)

MCINTYRE: Yo, Hawk!

(Pierce is walking by the game of catch as he heads for the Swamp but turns around in time to catch the football. He tosses it to the other man playing with McIntyre.)

PA Announcer: The following men have volunteered for this afternoon's ten-mile physical fitness hike.

(Pierce opens the door to the Swamp and pauses, waiting to hear the rest of the announcement. There's several seconds of silence and then the song resumes. Pierce makes a face and enters the Swamp. McIntyre continues playing catch, breathing on his hands to warm them up.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: To bring you up to date on my copilot Trapper: as I wrote you earlier, he's developed a thriving, very lucrative private practice on the side over here.

[Mess Tent - Last Week]

PIERCE [voice-over]: On a good day, he collects about fifty or sixty smiles: the kind you never forget.

(McIntyre and Bayliss are doing a vaccine clinic for the local children. The children wait in a line for McIntyre to deliver their shots as Bayliss stands by. The child currently in line refuses when McIntyre attempts to vaccinate him via the buttock and points to his arm instead.)

MCINTYRE: They're gettin' too hip.

(Bayliss wipes the child's arm with a cotton ball, and McIntyre gives the injection.)

MCINTYRE: That didn't hurt, did it? (chuckles)

(McIntyre pulls the child's sleeve down and hands him a lolly. The child smiles and steps away. The next kid in line steps up. McIntyre notices something sticking of out of the top of the child’s shirt and pulls it out to reveal a lolly.)

MCINTYRE: Hey.

(McIntyre laughs, puts the lolly back where he found it, and ushers the child back out of the line. The next kid in line steps up but then an elderly Korean man approaches.)

VILLAGER: 너 또 왔니? (incomprehensible Korean) (translation: You here again?)

(The villager urgently taps McIntyre's arm and then points and tugs his arm.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Whenever the locals want help, invariably it's "Trapper" John Mclntyre they turn to.

(The elderly villager continues to speak.)

BAYLISS: Well, whatever it is, it's urgent.

(McIntyre stands, taking his coat, and follows the villager towards the door.)

MCINTYRE: Okay, okay. (to Bayliss) You take care of the kids. I'll, I'll be back.

BAYLISS: Okay.

(Bayliss sits where McIntyre was and takes over vaccinating.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Last week he performed a service that really set him up with the townies.

[Village – Last Week]

(A Korean man runs down a road and past a hut where two women and the elderly villager are waiting. One waves and says something to the newcomer. The elderly villager gestures excitedly to something off screen.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: He helped with a difficult delivery that added one more precious life to the village—a bouncing baby veal.

(McIntyre runs over, holding a calf in his arms.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: For which service, the doctor received one gallon of mother's milk.

(The Korean man laughs delightedly and holds up a pail.)

[Post-Op - Last Wednesday]

(Mulcahy has strings of popcorn wrapped loosely around his neck and is slowly unwinding them as he hangs them across the ends of patient beds.)

MULCAHY: So-

PIERCE [voice-over]: Father Mulcahy is stringing popcorn all over the place in an attempt to give this cesspool a Yuletide look. He's a terrific guy, our priest.

(Elsewhere in the room, Pierce is checking up on a patient.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: But I never tell him, 'cause I don't want to foul up his humility. I can tell you this— I don't envy him this parish. At least I didn't last Wednesday.

(Pierce gets up, his coat slung over an arm as he takes the patient's clipboard and reads it. Burns approaches.)

BURNS: Pierce.

PIERCE: Yes, ma'am.

(Burns flounders for a second but lets the comment pass.)

BURNS: I'm here to relieve you.

(Pierce looks at Burns.)

PIERCE: You do resemble an enema.

BURNS: You're beat, Captain. (grabbing the clipboard out of Pierce's hands) I suggest you hit the sack this afternoon instead of chasing nurses.

PIERCE: That's a good idea, Frank, but some of those girls have been waiting for months.

(Pierce takes the stethoscope off his neck and puts it around Burns'.)

BURNS: Well, whatever you do, I want to see you shaved the next time I see you.

PIERCE: I shaved this morning.

(Pierce starts putting on his coat.)

BURNS: Well, shave again, and this time take (holds up a finger) one step closer to the razor.

PIERCE: Aha. Very good. Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.

(Pierce spots a nurse who is also on her way out and grabs her arm, stopping her to pull her into a dance. She smiles, and he scats a tune as they dance past a curtain and out of the door. Klinger turns a corner from around the curtain, carrying a tray that includes glass sample containers. He's in uniform today, except for a red bandanna around his neck. Burns sees him as he walks by.)

BURNS: (following after him) Klinger.

(Klinger stops. In the background, Mulcahy is stringing popcorn along the walls now.)

KLINGER: Sir?

BURNS: Where did you get that?

KLINGER: Nurse McCarthy give it to me, sir.

BURNS: I'm talking about that bandanna.

KLINGER: Oh, that's my good luck. My ma give me this when I shipped out.

BURNS: Well, take it off.

KLINGER: Oh, sir...

BURNS: I want that bandanna.

KLINGER: I'll have my ma send you one.

(Klinger continues on his way. Burns follows.)

BURNS: Soldier.

(Klinger stops, shoulders tensing, and turns around.)

BURNS: You're out of uniform.

KLINGER: Sir, the nurse said to get these right to the lab.

BURNS: (scowling) A nurse said? You're placing me under a nurse?

KLINGER: You said it, I didn't.

(Klinger turns to leave again.)

BURNS: Stop!

(Burns grabs Klinger's arm roughly, and the tray falls to the floor with a crash.)

BURNS: (pointing) You see what you did?

(Mulcahy hurries over and stands between them, a hand on each of their chests.)

MULCAHY: Fellas, fellas.

KLINGER: Me? What, are you crazy?

(Klinger lunges at Burns. Mulcahy is trapped between them as they grapple.) 

MULCAHY: No, wait! No! Let-

(Mulcahy tries to force them apart but all three fall onto a patient in the bed behind them. Another patient on the other side of the ward claps and cheers the fight on. Klinger and Burns fall off the sides of the bed but Klinger launches himself over the patient to continue going after Burns. He knocks him over onto the next patient, and they grapple, climbing over two more patients in the row.)

PATIENT: Hey, hey! Go get him!

(Mulcahy recovers himself and runs over to try to break up the fight again.)

MULCAHY: Fellas, I- Fellas, take this out- Klinger! Klinger!

(Mulcahy manages to push Klinger away from Burns.)

MULCAHY: Just before Chri-

(Mulcahy receives a headbutt to the stomach from Klinger that winds him, and he staggers to sit on a bed off to the side, holding his diaphragm, as the fight continues. Klinger gets a good punch in that knocks out Burns. Burns lands unconscious in an empty bed. Mulcahy stands, and both stare at Burns.)

KLINGER: What, are you crazy?

MULCAHY: Go on, scram. Scram! Get out of here!

(Mulcahy pushes Klinger out of the door just as a whistle blows. He hurries to reposition Burns' unconscious body to try to make it look like he's sleeping but an M.P. enters before he can finish.)

M.P.: What's goin' on, Father?

MULCAHY: (finger to his lips) Shh-shh-shh! He's exhausted. (tuts at Burns)

M.P.: (looking around the room) Okay. Where's the guy that exhausted him?

MULCAHY: Well, let me take care of it. Please?

M.P.: (pauses) I'm not even Catholic.

MULCAHY: Would you like to be? (smiles)

(The M.P. smiles back and leaves. An instrumental of the song "Good King Wencheslaus" begins to play. Mulcahy tears off the string of popcorn still around his neck and hurries to put on his coat.)

[MASH 4077th Compound - Last Wednesday]

(Mulcahy exits the hospital building, and finds Klinger walking determinedly toward Post-Op, something in his fist. Mulcahy approaches him.)

MULCAHY: (still buttoning up his coat) Could I see you, Corporal Klinger?

KLINGER: (not stopping) Not now, Father. I gotta see the major.

MULCAHY: Is that a grenade?

KLINGER: That's what it is, Father.

MULCAHY: A live grenade?

(They're almost to the doors of the hospital. Klinger turns around.)

KLINGER: I thought I'd stick it in the major's ear and find out.

MULCAHY: (reaching out a hand) Give it to me.

(Klinger tenses and holds the grenade up threateningly, a hand on the pin.)

KLINGER: Don't touch me, or you're gonna be a lot of little priests.

MULCAHY: (taking a step forward) Klinger.

KLINGER: He broke the bottles. The nurse wanted them in the lab.

(Mulcahy raises his outstretched hand sightly. Klinger lets go of the pin to grab at his bandanna.)

KLINGER: I can't take this off! Something'll happen to me!

MULCAHY: (another step) Klinger.

KLINGER: Stop.

(Klinger's hand is on the pin again. The song on the PA switches to an instrumental of "Joy to the World".)

KLINGER: Another step, and I'll take us both out.

MULCAHY: He's tired. We're all tired.

(Klinger lowers the grenade.)

KLINGER: You tired too?

MULCAHY: (sighs and smiles gently) I can't get to sleep unless I count sacrificial sheep. (serious again; takes another step) Give me the grenade.

(Klinger tenses, ready to pull the pin.)

MULCAHY: Please?

KLINGER: Can I keep my bandanna?

MULCAHY: (small nod) I guarantee it.

(Mulcahy slowly closes the distance between them and takes the grenade from Klinger's hands.)

KLINGER: (laughing) It's from my ma, you know. She said, “Never take it off.”

MULCAHY: (putting an arm around his shoulders) No reason why you should. None at all.

(Mulcahy leads Klinger away from the hospital.)

KLINGER: Sorry, I guess I just-

MULCAHY: Corporal Klinger, I understand.

[MASH 4077th Compound - ext The Swamp]

PA Announcer: Attention all personnel. When filling out G.I. insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday.

(The camera pans over the Swamp door which has a wooden sign hanging on it reading, “Service Women Welcome”. An instrumental of "Away in a Manger" begins to play.)

[The Swamp]

(Pierce sits in a chair and continues to write.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Our nurses are a great bunch of girls. Never a complaint, and they really work their lovely bottoms off.

[Nurses' Tent]

(Four nurses, including Bayliss, Becky, Bannerman, and the nurse Pierce danced with earlier, are wrapping presents and writing out cards. Most are in their dressing gowns.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: Being so far from home at Christmas is kind of rough on them. I've certainly done my share to keep up their morale, but I've only got two hands.

[Houlihan's Tent - The Other Night]

(Houlihan is in her nightgown, brushing her hair at her dressing table.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: One lady in our outfit who has no problem at all with her spare time is our chief nurse, “Hot Lips” Houlihan.

(She finishes fixing herself up and gets up to put on a dressing gown.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: The major is a paradox. A woman of considerable passion, she is also a stickler for military correctness. I wouldn't mind making a grab for her myself, but I don't know how to do that and salute her at the same time. As I've written you, Frank Burns and Hot Lips have been an item over here ever since they both laid their beady little eyes on each other. They think no one's wise, but the only one over here who doesn't know about their romance is General MacArthur's pipe stuffer. Frank plays it very cool at all times.

(Houlihan dusts off the record player and looks around the tent for anything else to do, fiddling with her sleeve as she does so.)

[The Swamp - The Other Night]

(Burns is brushing his hair in a mirror and wearing a sweater. On the other side of the Swamp, Pierce has a blanket wrapped around himself and is pouring drinks for himself and McIntyre.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: He and Hot Lips had a date the other night, but it was the last thing Frank would admit.

MCINTYRE: Uh, going out tonight, Frank?

(Burns turns coolly and looks them both over with distaste.)

BURNS: Just to stretch my legs.

(Pierce and McIntyre look at each other and roll their eyes. Burns slaps some cologne onto his hands and rubs it into his face and neck. Pierce scents the air. McIntyre makes a face, smelling something too.)

PIERCE: (groans) What's that?

BURNS: (stopping and turning briefly) It's French.

(Burns continues to rub in the cologne.)

MCINTYRE: Oh. No wonder you smell like a snail.

BURNS: (dryly) Ha ha.

PIERCE [voice-over]: What neither Frank nor Hot Lips knows is that earlier in the afternoon,-

(Burns finishes up with the cologne and puts on his army cap.)

[MASH 4077th Compound - Earlier That Afternoon]

(It's windy. Pierce and McIntyre are bundled up in their coats and scarves as they carry sacks across the camp.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: While they were off picking berries or whatever, Trapper and I stopped by her tent.

(They reach Houlihan's tent, and look around before stepping inside. The top of a saw can be seen sticking out of Pierce's bag. The door closes behind them but then McIntyre sticks out an arm to knock on the door sign reading, "Maj. M. Houlihan Knock Before Entering". He brings his arm back in and closes the door.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: We spent a few minutes getting the place ready for their date that night. It turned into some enchanted evening.

[Houlihan's Tent - The Other Night]

(Houlihan has just lit a candle and blows out the match. Behind her, Burns sneaks in, tossing his hat aside, and then creeps up to cover Houlihan's eyes with his hands. Houlihan jumps, then smiles.)

BURNS: Three guesses.

HOULIHAN: General MacArthur?

(Burns giggles.)

HOULIHAN: Clark Gable?

(Burns cackles.)

HOULIHAN: (reaching up to touch Burns' hands) Ah, Dr. Schwietzer?

BURNS: Right! All three times.

(Burns releases Houlihan and moves around the tent's center post to stand in front of her.)

HOULIHAN: Frank.

BURNS: Margaret!

(They embrace, and it quickly turns sensual with Burns necking Houlihan and both heavy breathing.)

HOULIHAN: Frank, don't make any marks.

BURNS: Uh-uh!

HOULIHAN: Frank, we've got hours.

(Houlihan pulls away and starts working on opening a bottle of wine.)

BURNS: That's right. Let the others get theirs.(Burns throws himself at the back of Houlihan's neck.)

HOULIHAN: (laughingly) To go, Frank. Hours to go.

(Burns steps back from Houlihan. Houlihan leaves the bottle of wine and turns to Burns, taking off his coat.)

BURNS: Oh, of course. (giggles)

(Houlihan sets the coat aside and picks up a couple of wine glasses from her bedside table. Burns works on opening the wine bottle.)

BURNS: Gee, it all looks so nice. (pausing to take one of Houlihan's hands) You've got golden hands, Margaret.

(He starts kissing breathily at her wrist, then goes back to working on the bottle.)

HOULIHAN: (shaky voice) Did you, uh, hear the rumor that peace talks might be starting?

(Burns pauses, then quickly sets the bottle aside.)

BURNS: Don't even think it.

(They throw themselves at each other in a hug.)

HOULIHAN: Oh, Frank, the candle! We may be throwing shadows.

BURNS: (whispering) Right.

(Houlihan quickly sets the wine glasses back down on the bedside table. Burns blows out the candle. He turns away, and the flame reappears. He approaches Houlihan, and they are about to embrace when Burns notices something is wrong with the candle.)

HOULIHAN: Frank?

(Burns steps away to blow out the candle again. He does so, and the flame reappears. He braces his hands on the table to get a closer look.)

BURNS: Somebody's been fooling with this. It's a gag candle!

HOULIHAN: Oh, why can't people leave us alone?

BURNS: Yeah, you'd think they were all my wife!

(Burns sets his hands on his hips. There's a beat, then-)

HOULIHAN: (voice cracking) Oh, Frank!

(Houlihan turns away, seeming ready to cry. Burns hurries over.)

BURNS: Oh! I, I'm sorry, Margaret. I... F-Forget that I said that. I did not say that.

(Houlihan quickly turns around.)

HOULIHAN: I didn't hear you say it!

(They embrace and swan onto the bed but it collapses under their weight.)

HOULIHAN: Oh! Aah! Aah!

BURNS: Aah! Someone sawed through these legs!

(Houlihan puts her hand down on her pillow and comes back with brown on the hand. She holds it away from herself uncomfortably.)

HOULIHAN: (disgusted) There's pudding in the pillow. (whimpers)

BURNS: Oh, boy, I'm gonna get them for this!

(They both struggle to their feet, Houlihan using Burns to help her as she still holds her soiled hand out in front. They stand in the middle of the tent.)

BURNS: I'll get 'em all, each and every dirty-

(Burns swings his arm to emphasize. It hits the center tent post which falls apart into several pieces. They jump in surprise, and they stare upwards in horror as the tent creaks.)

[MASH 4077th Compound - The Other Night, ext Houlihan's Tent]

HOULIHAN: Oh, Frank!

(Houlihan screams as the tent roof collapses in on them.)

BURNS: Oh, I'll get them. I'll get them. I'll get them. I'll get them!

(The tent walls collapse inward.)

[The Swamp - The Other Night]

(Pierce and McIntyre are awake in their beds, listening to the commotion in the distance.)

HOULIHAN [in the distance]: Oh, Frank.

[MASH 4077th Compound - The Other Night, ext Houlihan's Tent]

BURNS: Oh, boy, I'll get them for this if it's the last-

(The walls collapse further, and Houlihan screams in frustration.)

[The Swamp - The Other Night]

BURNS [in the distance]: Margaret, oh-

HOULIHAN [in the distance]: I cannot stand (continues indistinct)

PIERCE: (turns to McIntyre) Good night, Trapper.

MCINTYRE: (lifting his head) Good night, Hawkeye.

(McIntyre turns off the bulb hanging over his bed.)

[MASH 4077th Compound - day, current]

PA Announcer: A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at 1400 hours.

(A group of children are led through the camp by several nurses.)

PA Announcer: So everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there too. We can only hope he's sober.

(Pierce exits The Swamp with a martini glass in hand. He leans against the door, sips it, and sighs. Over the speakers, an instrumental of "Jingle Bells" begins to play. Burns and Houlihan walk past having an inaudible conversation.)

BURNS: Yeah. Yeah.

PIERCE: (approaching from behind) 'Scuse me, sirs.

(Burns and Houlihan stop and turn to see who it is but then turn back upon seeing it's Pierce. Pierce moves to stand between them.)

PIERCE: (handing Burns the glass) Would you hold this, please?

(Burns takes the glass, and as soon as he does, Pierce quickly grabs Houlihan, dipping her for a prolonged kiss. Burns opens and closes his mouth, looking around.)

BURNS: Uh, Pierce? (taps his shoulder) Pierce? (yelling) Captain Pierce!

(Burns yanks Pierce up. The kiss ends but Houlihan is still in Pierce's arms.)

BURNS: Pierce! Are you crazy?

PIERCE: It was a Christmas present. If you'd like, I can do it into a stocking.

BURNS: Why you- You are a moral degenerate!

PIERCE: Me, a moral degenerate? (takes back his glass from Burns and lets go of Houlihan) Santa Claus? Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

(Pierce walks off. Burns grabs Houlihan's arm and nervously pets it. They stare after Pierce. Houlihan seems to be in a happy trance.)

BURNS: Margaret, are, are you all right?

HOULIHAN: I'm fine, Frank, fine.

BURNS: Well, the man's a beast, an animal.

(They begin to walk away.)

HOULIHAN: (enthralled and continuing to stare after Pierce) Yeah, every bit of him.

(O'Reilly walks past the spot they had been, carrying a jeep tire.)

[X-Ray Room]

(Pierce is in the process of dressing up in a Santa costume. He's mostly done but is holding up a mirror to help apply glue to an eyebrow. McIntyre is stuffing a pillow into his coat.)

MCINTYRE: What's the idea givin' Hot Lips mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

PIERCE: I was getting a culture for the lab.

MCINTYRE: Any good?

(Pierce sticks a fluffy cotton ball eyebrow over his own. McIntyre begins tying up the Santa coat over the pillow.)

PIERCE: I think if we could get her away from Frank, she could become a major kisser.

MCINTYRE: That's what she's doing now.

PIERCE: Oh, yeah.

(Pierce finishes with the eyebrow and feels over his fake beard.)

PIERCE: How am I gonna get this thing off?

(He looks down to where McIntyre is still tying his coat strings. McIntyre sees him looking and pauses, then continues.)

PIERCE: You realize if my father sees this, you'll have to marry me.

MCINTYRE: I wouldn't marry you for five dollars.

(McIntyre finishes with the coat, and heads toward the door.)

PIERCE: How's our house?

(McIntyre peeks out the door to see a cluster of children excitedly waiting in front of the Mess Tent. The song "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" can be heard from the speakers.)

MCINTYRE: Standing room only.

(Pierce applies glue to his upper lip.)

PIERCE: Great.

(He attaches a cotton ball mustache.)

PIERCE: Okay. Help me with my bag, okay?

[MASH 4077th Compound - ext Hospital]

(Pierce exits the hospital in his Santa suit, carrying a loaded sack. McIntyre follows, a hand at the sack's top to keep gifts from falling out. They're quickly intercepted by O’Reilly and Blake, holding a bag under his arm, who join them as they walk.)

BLAKE: I've gotta see you.

PIERCE: (deep Santa voice) You'll have to get in line, little fella.

MCINTYRE: Santa can't play favorites.

BLAKE: Hold it!

(The group stops.)

BLAKE: Radar, where's that-

O’REILLY: Here, sir.

(O'Reilly hands Blake a folded paper.)

BLAKE: There's an infantry squad pinned down on Hill 28. Twenty miles up. They're caught in heavy cross fire. The corporal's been hit bad and needs cutting pronto if he's gonna make it.

PIERCE: How do I get there?

O'REILLY: Chopper's waiting.

PIERCE: Here you go, Santa.

(Pierce slings the sack off his shoulder and attempts to hand it off to McIntyre.)

MCINTYRE: Wait a minute. I'll go.

BLAKE: No, it's a chest wound. It'd better be Pierce.

(McIntyre takes the sack of gifts.)

PIERCE: There's an extra nurse on the bottom. Save her for me.

MCINTYRE: You betcha.

BLAKE: Here you go.

(Blake hands off the bag he was holding to Pierce. Pierce and O'Reilly start to run for the helicopter pad but then Pierce stops and turns.)

PIERCE: Hey, if I don't see you... Merry Christmas.

MCINTYRE: (waving it off) Tell me when you see me.

(Pierce returns the gesture, and he and O'Reilly continue on their way.)

[Hill 28]

(Pierce is writing while riding shotgun in a helicopter. He's still in the Santa suit.)

PIERCE [voice-over]:'Tis the day before Christmas, Dad, and I'd much rather be in the house. Just too many creatures stirring around here for my comfort. Frankly, the last thing I'd figured when I went to med school was winding up flying into battle dressed as Kris Kringle. But then all those kids down there are in the last place they ever figured.

(There's the sounds of explosions and gunfire. The chopper pilot nudges Pierce and points down below. Pierce looks out to see several soldiers in a bomb crater. He puts the notepad and pencil away in the bag, and undoes his seat belt. As they hover over the soldiers, he steps out the door and descends on a rope ladder. The injured corporal and the P.F.C. tending to him see Pierce.)

P.F.C.: Holy cow! And you said there was no Santa Claus, huh?

(The injured corporal smiles. Pierce reaches the ground. A shell goes off nearby, and Pierce drops to an army crawl to get to the soldiers. He reaches them and starts checking the corporal.)

[The Swamp]

(Pierce is lying on his side in bed, still in the Santa outfit, as he writes. The beard and eyebrows are gone but some glue with cotton ball residue remain.)

PIERCE [voice-over]: P.S., Dad, I almost forgot to wish you a Merry Christmas from everyone at MASH: "Trapper" Mclntyre, Henry Blake, even Frank Burns, "Hot Lips" Houlihan, future used-car dealer Radar O'Reilly, Ginger Bayliss, Father Mulcahy, Corporal Klinger, all the ladies of the ensemble, and of course, me, your loving son and unsuccessful draft dodger, Hawkeye.

[credits]